PS I Love You
by NessieCullen9
Summary: Bella finally gets her forever, but not in the way she planned. Not at all. Bella/Edward, Bella/Jasper, Alice/Jasper, Alice/OC.
1. The Casualty

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 1: The Casualty**

**A/N: This is a very short chapter, I know. Sorry. Longer ones will follow. Please note that this will eventually become a Bella/Jasper story. Even if you aren't a fan of that pairing, I actually do encourage you to read this fic, anyway, because you may find that it goes very differently than most B/J stories. Just no comments bashing the pairing, please. Other than that, I would LOVE your input and comments. Please leave a review. I, of course, don't own Twilight, just this alternate plot. Oh, and I don't own P.S. I Love You, either, though some elements of that movie will show up in this story. This story picks up near the end of Eclipse...**

Seeing that Victoria had no intention of helping him, Riley fled. Both of his arms lay on the ground near my feet, but he ran away without them. Seth followed close behind, disappearing into the trees. That worried me. Seth was just a kid. I didn't want him running off alone, but a part of me knew he'd be fine. Riley was mostly defenseless, without his arms. Seth would finish him off. I was _much_ more worried about Edward.

Edward and Victoria still blurred in my eyes as they continued to fight. I couldn't tell who had the upper hand. Victoria's movements had slowed down slightly. I took that as a sign that she was hurt, but it wasn't making much of a difference. She was still holding her own against Edward. When I'd seen him fighting with Jasper, before, Edward had seemed so invincible to me. But he didn't, now. He was having trouble with Victoria. Trouble that, very abruptly, got worse.

There was a loud crack as Edward was thrown into a tree. The tree trunk cracked in half with the force of the blow, and the upper part of the tree fell over. It fell straight toward me and I tried to dive out of the way. Most of the tree missed me, but one long branch whipped me in the shoulder as it fell. I cried out at the sharp pain as the branch left a long gash where it hit. More than anything, though, I was shocked that the blood flowing out of the wound distracted neither of the dueling vampires. Edward had recovered and was launching himself repeatedly at Victoria. She kept dodging every attack, tough. Each one, until…

Though I had heard the high-pitched keening sound, before, it still hurt my ears. Victoria screeched in pain as Edward tore one of her arms from her body. It fell close to her feet, and she made the mistake of reaching for it. Edward broke off her other arm. It looked like he had her, at that point. It was all but over, but then…

"EDWARD!" I was sure my scream of agony could be heard by all the vampires within a five mile radius of where I lay. All the Cullens and any of the newborns still fighting them must have heard it. Jasper must have _felt_ it. Any pain I felt during Edward's absence, several months ago, was nothing compared to this. _Victoria had no arms_! She had no arms, but she still managed to do it… She lunged forward and bit into Edward's neck. As the force of her lunge carried her forward, she bit all the way through… There was no cry of pain. There was nothing. Everything went black. That is, until a woman's voice brought me back to the surface.

"Bella. Bella, sweetheart, wake up. Please wake up. Open your eyes…" A cool hand stroked my face and hair. Was it Esme? No, the voice was wrong. Alice or Rosalie? It couldn't be. My curiosity helped me force open my eyes. I immediately wished I'd stayed in the darkness.

"Oh, good, you're awake, Bella," Victoria said to me, her voice menacingly silken. Her arms were reattached and she was staring down at me with pitch black eyes. She was thirsty. _Oh, please, just kill me quickly. Please._ _Edward is gone. He's dead. Please, just kill me, now_...

Victoria smiled down at me as if she could hear my pleading thoughts. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you," she almost cooed. _No! I want you to kill me! Please!_ "Not in the way you think, at least…" _What?_ _No. Whatever you're talking about, no! Edward's gone! Kill me!_ Victoria laid a hand on my right shoulder and squeezed lightly. I whimpered as her fingers pressed into the gash in my shoulder, but then she let go. She brought her fingers which were coated in my blood to her face and licked at them like a cat. _Oh, no. Please…_ My eyes widened in terror and Victoria laughed.

"I'm just enjoying what I can of the taste, since I won't be drinking much," she said casually. "I'm very thirsty, but I've had a lot of practice creating all the newborns I brought here…" That was when it clicked. My stomach lurched so violently, I was surprised it stayed inside me. Victoria wasn't going to feed on me. She was going to change me.

Though I knew it was pointless, I tried to get up. She easily pinned me back down, placing one of her hands on each of my upper arms. "You see, Bella," Victoria purred as if she hadn't been interrupted by my struggles, "this all worked out even better than I'd originally planned. My plan, at first, was to kill you and leave Edward to suffer over your loss, as I have over James. The problem with that plan was that it made more sense if your and Edward's positions were switched. A mate for mate loss is fair enough, but what about you? You love Edward, but you have no concept of how it feels to know that you may live _forever_ without him. Bella, I just couldn't do that injustice to you. You've wanted to be a vampire for a while, now. And you will be…"

I had no time to react. I had no time to scream. All of a sudden, Victoria's teeth were at my neck. I did scream, then. I'd felt the burn of vampire venom before, and here it was again, searing through my veins. Victoria didn't stop at one bite. She pulled back and bit the other side of my neck, then each of my wrists, ankles, and the inside of each elbow. I shrieked in agony every time. When Victoria finally pulled away entirely, all my screams blurred into one never-ending stream. Victoria smiled down at me.

"The rest of your coven will be busy for a little while longer," she told me. "Same with those wolves you've befriended. I doubt there will be anymore casualties on your side, but the newborns will keep them distracted, all the same. By the time anyone comes up here looking for you and Edward, it will be too late to stop the conversion. Alice shouldn't even see anything, since this change in my plans was so sudden…" Victoria leaned down then, and I thought she was going to bite me again, but she just kissed my forehead as I thrashed on the ground. "Enjoy forever, Bella." She purred, and then she was gone.

I continued to scream and thrash on the ground, but no one heard me. No one came. I looked wildly around and saw the tower of purple smoke over an open fire, just a few yards away from me. I screamed in agony that had nothing to do with the venom burning through me. I screamed out Edward's name. Then, everything went black…


	2. Flames

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 2: Flames**

**A/N: A nice long chapter to make up for how short CH1 was. Hope you like it. Review, review, review, review!**

I was vaguely aware of quiet conversations taking place around me. It was too difficult to follow what was being said, though. I was much too distracted. I was engulfed in flames, I was sure of it, and my heart was beating much too fast. The flames must have burned all the way through my legs and arms. They weren't burning, anymore, but my torso was still in the fire. The pain was beyond description. All I knew was that I wanted it to stop. I would welcome death, if it ended the burning. Anything… Just to make it go away.

"How much longer, Alice?" An anxious female voice was asking. Esme? Her voice sounded a little different. It was even more beautiful.

"Fifteen minutes," Alice answered. Her voice reminded me of delicate wind chimes. It was more musical than ever. Wait… This burning would last fifteen more minutes?! Please, no! Make it stop, now! Alice… Esme, please!

"You're sure?" A familiar male voice asked. Carlisle. His voice was different, too. Even warmer and so clear… I was still burning, though. Fourteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Wait… How did I know that?

"Positive," Alice replied. "She's so much clearer, now. I can see her much better than when she was human…" Alice trailed off and someone nearby sobbed softly. Esme, again.

"What do you think she'll do?" Esme asked.

"I have no idea," a new male voice surprised me. Jasper? His voice was so rich and beautiful. "We already expected her to be a little different, since she chose this… Before, I mean. After what happened, though... None of the newborns I ever dealt with had met their mate. They didn't have that kind of attachment to deal with… And they, certainly, never experienced the loss of such a love… I have no way to know what it will do to her." He was talking about Edward. Edward… As if the flames weren't painful enough.

I clenched my fists. Everyone froze. I realized I had been hearing even their subtle movements. I could tell that everyone around me had gone completely still. No one even breathed for a moment…

"She can hear us, now," Alice said. Her melodious voice sounded relieved, but there was an undercurrent of something I couldn't make out.

"She can?!" Esme gasped. Someone came closer to me and I felt someone's hand on my forehead. My head wasn't burning like my torso was, but I was still shocked when the hand didn't feel very cool on my skin. Was that really Esme? "Bella, honey? Can you hear us?"

I couldn't bring myself to answer Esme, though I wanted to. She sounded so upset. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't make them budge. I felt the flames constrict and concentrate. The heat no longer engulfed my entire torso, but it flared to inferno in my chest, alone. My heart started beating so fast, it sounded like a constant hum… No. It wasn't a hum. It was a roar. A feral howl straight from Hell. I fought back the urge to scream in agony. I squirmed beneath Esme's hand, though.

"Oh, I know it hurts, Bella," Esme whispered. "Just a little bit longer, dear. It's almost over. Twelve more minutes, Bella. Shh…" I felt Esme's hand stroke my hair soothingly. It didn't really help.

"Careful, Esme," Jasper warned. I heard him walk a little closer.

"She's fine, Jasper," Alice said confidently. "Bella won't hurt her." _Me_ hurt _Esme_?! Are you kidding?! What kind of sick joke is that?! The fire withdrew, again, pulling more heat into my heart, away from the rest of my body.

"Of course she won't." That voice really shocked me. Was that really Rosalie? Her voice was, now, an even better match to her stunning beauty. Why was Rosalie defending me, though? Why was there not even a trace of her distaste for me in her voice? No one challenged her comment, either. Perhaps they, too, were stunned by the compassionate tone in her voice.

"We're all with you, Bella," a deep male voice that could only belong to Emmet spoke randomly. He moved closer to me, too, his steps sounding heavier than all the others. I felt his big hand cover one of mine. His hand, like Esme's, was not as cold as it was supposed to be. Somehow, it felt softer, too. Not being able to see was really troubling me, now. Thinking of Emmett as warm and soft felt wrong in so many ways. I instinctively tried to reach for his hand, trying to get a better feel of it. I could only lift my hand an inch, before letting it drop.

Everyone stopped breathing, again.

Emmett quickly withdrew his hand, but he didn't back away. Esme did. Her hand left my hair and I heard her light steps take her somewhere behind Emmett. I heard several pairs of feet moving. Most of them backed away from me. One pair moved closer.

"Three minutes," Alice announced.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice came from about fifteen feet away. "The pain is going to get worse for a minute," he warned. "Then, it will stop." Worse?! Oh, no…

Less than three seconds after Carlisle spoke, it hit: The fire was only in my heart, now, but it burned more viciously than ever. It violently objected to it's containment in such a small part of my body, and it burned with a vengeance. I tried to shrink away from it, but I could only ball my hands into fists, again. I fought back the urge to scream. My heart rate skyrocketed and I could almost picture it shooting off fireworks. Spouts of the fire in me exploded upward, leaving my body for good. The fireworks came harder and faster until, all of a sudden… It stopped. My heart stopped. I wasn't dead, though. I knew I was a vampire. I opened my eyes and everything was so clear.

Jasper and Emmet were on either side of the bed I was laying on. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Alice were standing fifteen feet away, watching me warily. There were only six… My still heart broke. I started to cry. The problem was; no tears came. Strangely, no sounds came either. My body was just shaking with anguish. It wasn't right. I sobbed harder. A wave of calm washed over me, and I remembered Jasper. I looked at him more carefully and I gasped.

Jasper's scars were the first thing I noticed. Though they had, once, been nearly invisible to my eyes, it was impossible to _not_ notice them, now. They peppered the majority of his exposed skin… His hands, his wrists, his neck was the worst, his jaw… There were a few scars on his face, the most prominent one just above his right eye. Even with all those scars, though, he was so beautiful… His honey-blonde curls framed his chiseled face perfectly. His amber eyes were deep and soulful… I turned to look at everyone else, again.

They had all been beautiful, before, to my human eyes, but this was an entirely new level. Each one of the Cullens was breathtaking in their appearance. Carlisle was only rivaled by the sun, itself. Rosalie was unbelievably gorgeous. Esme was so lovely. Alice was exquisite. Emmett was still frightening in his size, but handsomer, now. The one who had always been the most beautiful to my human eyes, though… He wasn't here. I would never look upon him with these new eyes… Never know just how magnificent he truly was, in body… I only knew the entirety of his beautiful soul, and even that was beyond my reach, now. I dry, silent sob shook my body, again. I decided I should try to sit up, though…

How did I _not_ get a head rush from that? Within the same millisecond I decided to sit up, I already _was_ sitting up. I tensed. Jasper hit me with another wave of calm. I looked back at him and he moved slowly. He reached toward me cautiously, laying a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay, Bella," he said. "The speed and strength take some getting used to, and you're stronger than all of us, right now." I nodded, understanding. There was a moment of tense silence, while everyone stared at me expectantly. Oddly, Rosalie was the first one to crack:

"Bella, please say something," she said anxiously. I wasn't sure what to say, but everyone seemed to want the same thing as Rosalie. They were all visibly on edge. I had to ease some of their tension, if I could. They had lost Edward, too… I was all they had left of him. That thought intensified my grief so that it nearly overwhelmed me, but I fought it down quickly. I had to be strong for my family.

"Bella, how did you do that?!" Jasper asked sharply. He looked shocked; alarmed. What did I do? I tried to ask him that very question… And failed. My lips moved and breath left my body through my mouth, but no sound came out. I was instantly fearful. What was wrong with me?! I looked at Jasper in alarm which he could surely feel, already. It was Alice, though, who suddenly gasped. Everyone looked at her sharply, including me.

As soon as Alice's eyes refocused, she looked at me with a pained expression. Then, she whispered something so softly it was barely audible to even my new ears: "She lost her voice. She can't talk."

"What?!"

"NO!"

"Are you _kidding_ me?!"

"Oh, Bella…"

"How could that be?"

"…!" I couldn't _talk_?! Why?! I automatically looked at Carlisle, as did everyone else. He was silent for a moment, deep in thought. He walked toward me at human pace, wary of causing me any more alarm.

"I never thought of it as being possible for vampires," he began thoughtfully, "but I've seen it in humans… Even those cases were rare, though. I saw it more often a couple centuries ago… Let me see you try to speak, again, Bella?" He asked gently. "Just try saying our names?" I nodded and opened my mouth to speak. My lips moved, my tongue moved, breath left my mouth… And nothing. Still no sound. Carlisle frowned sadly at me and laid a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Sometimes, when someone is severely traumatized, they can temporarily lose their voice," he explained. "It often seems to be caused by nothing more or less than intense grief. The only cure is in the relief of the cause, I'm afraid. Your voice will only return when you can overcome your grief, Bella. There is a chance, of course, that this is some adverse reaction to your transformation, but that seems highly unlikely, to me. I've never heard of the conversion having any such side-effects, and I've certainly never seen such a thing, myself… Jasper?" Carlisle turned to him. "What are you picking up from Bella?"

"She's grieving, certainly," Jasper said, "but…" Jasper looked at me with probing eyes, then. His stare was intense, and I realized he must be focusing his gift entirely on me. He frowned. "At first, I wondered if she'd become immune to my sense, like she always was to Edward's, but that's not the case. I can feel several emotions within her… Grief, despair, fear, anxiety, confusion… Something's off, though. That's what I was asking you about, before, Bella," he said to me. "A moment ago, when Rosalie asked you to speak, your grief intensified. I was about to help, but you reined the emotion in, yourself. I've never seen a newborn control their emotions like that. It wasn't just that one time, either. Since you opened your eyes, you've been keeping all your emotions at bay, for the most part. I helped you a little, but it wasn't really necessary… I don't doubt for a moment that you're in much more pain than your letting come through. You're containing your emotions, and I can't understand how you have that amount of control… Or why."

I looked around the room for something to write with, like I used to when I had a really sore throat, as a human. I realized, then, that the bed I was on was in the middle of Carlisle's office. I saw a notepad and paper on his desk, and I got up to get it. I was across the room in less than half a second. I looked back to the spot where all the others stood frozen, my eyes wide.

"It's alright, Bella," Esme said. "You're fine. What were you going to do?" I picked up the notepad and pen, taking them back over to Jasper. I stood so he could see the paper, as I wrote:

_I could tell you were all upset, already. I knew you'd all feel worse if I started falling apart_.

Jasper stared at me incredulously, as did everyone else. They had all moved closer to where Jasper and I stood, so they could see what I was writing.

"Bella, you have every right to be going to pieces right, now," Alice said exasperatedly. "We all have." I raised my eyebrows at her. "Bella, you've been asleep, so to speak, for three days. We all had our turns, during that time. Esme was the worst of all of us." Esme nodded in agreement. She did look like she would be crying, even now, were it possible. "_We're_ the ones trying to help _you_ through this, Bella. You're a vampire, Bella! You saw Ed…" She didn't finish that sentence. "Victoria changed you, intending you to suffer… Bella, _it's okay to be upset_. It's okay to grieve. Don't you try to put us before yourself. Not now." Everyone around me nodded in agreement. I shook my head. I had a few questions, first…

_What happened with the newborns?_ I wrote._ Did anyone else get hurt? Is the pack okay? Did the Volturi come? What do my parents think happened to me? What does everyone in town think? Why are we still in Forks? Are we going to leave, soon?_

I caught sight of my something on my hand, as I wrote: The scar from when James bit me. I quickly looked over the rest of my body. A small part of my mind noted the fact that someone, probably Alice, had put me in a long sweater dress and ballet flats, but that wasn't what I was looking for. There were no other scars on my body. None at all. Victoria's bites had left no mark, the long scar down my left arm was gone… I wrote one more question on the notepad:

_Why do I still have the one bite scar, when all the others are gone?_

"We aren't entirely sure why you retained that one mark, Bella," Carlisle said, "but I do have a theory: Vampire venom has remarkable healing power, and it enhances physical attractiveness, usually healing any and all surface imperfections. When a human is changed, the bites inflicted to start the conversion never leave a mark. The venom prevents that. You are the only human any of us have ever known to be bitten prior to changing, though. James bit you and you didn't change, nor did you die. All that the experience left you with was the scar and the memory. The scar was still different than any others you had, though. It was slightly colder than the rest of your skin, and it had a very subtle gleam in the sunlight. It was like a cross between your human skin and our vampire skin, then. If you feel it, now, Bella, it feels just the same as the rest of your skin, aside from being slightly raised."

I felt the scar, as Carlisle suggested. It no longer felt cold at all. The scar, as well as the rest of my skin, felt warm and soft, though I knew it would all feel cold and hard to a human. I looked back up at Carlisle inquiringly.

"My theory," Carlisle explained, "is that the scar wasn't healed because it was already somewhat close to what the rest of your skin is, now: Vampire skin. Try comparing it to getting your teeth whitened, as a human, Bella. If one tooth is, for whatever reason, much whiter than all the others, then, when all of your teeth are whitened, the tooth that started out whiter will _still_ be whiter. Perhaps the scar James gave you remains distinct because it was _already_ so much more like vampire skin to begin with, in that sense." I nodded. Though it still surprised me, I could see Carlisle's reasoning. I shook that thought from my head, a moment later, and I pointed at the other questions I'd written on the paper.

"All the newborns were destroyed," Jasper informed me, "and no one else was harmed. Seth and another one of the wolves found you, and they put together what had happened. The rest of the pack saw it all in their pack mind and Jacob changed into his human form to tell us what they'd seen. Emmett and Alice went up the mountain to get you while the pack made other plans… Jacob just asked that we focus on taking care of you while they hunted Victoria." Panic instantly flashed through my entire body. Jasper calmed me with his gift and countered the argument I was about to write down, before I could even write one word of it:

"I understand you're scared for them, Bella," he said quickly. "We all are, believe it or not. But none of the pack will allow what she did to go unpunished, nor will we. Victoria killed Edward and changed you without your consent. She _will_ pay for that Bella." I wanted to argue, but it was pointless without my voice. I would get nowhere.

"A few members of the Volturi guard did come," Alice said, moving through my list of questions. "Demitri, Felix, Jane, and two others. They arrived shortly after Emmett and I got you back down to the main clearing. They questioned us about the fight. We told them Victoria had created the army to fight us and to get to you. We told them almost the whole truth from there, just leaving out the wolves: We fought and destroyed all the newborns. Victoria killed Edward and bit you… They didn't linger long, seeing that you were changing and needed tending to." I nodded, fighting down the agony that was ripping at my insides as she spoke.

"As for your parents and all the other humans in town, Bella," Carlisle said gravely, "the story is not a nice one, I'm afraid: They all know that Edward is dead, and they think that you are, too. We staged a car crash with his Volvo. We made sure that the car exploded and burned, so the lack of bodies could be explained. The story is that you and Edward were in the car when it crashed, and the fire destroyed everything, so neither of your bodies were recovered." Telling me that cover story seemed to cause Carlisle physical pain, as well as emotional. It seemed have the same effect on everyone else, too. Jasper looked absolutely miserable, feeling his own pain and the pain of everyone else. I swallowed my own urge to sob. I couldn't bear to make poor Jasper feel even worse. Deep inside me, though, my already broken heart was ground down into coarse powder.

"As for our choice of residence, Bella," Carlisle said once he'd collected himself, "that is related to what's happening with the pack, actually. Only a couple of the wolves stayed behind, in La Push. The reservation is certainly not vulnerable, though. Three more boys turned into wolves while you were unconscious. All the others left to pursue Victoria, though, Sam and Jacob both among them. Their mental connection to each other can be maintained over vast distances, you see. They'd only ever stretched it over three hundred miles, before, but they surpassed that mark yesterday, and the connection is still intact. The part of the pack that left has been updating the fragment in La Push, and they've been calling us every day, to keep us posted…" My confusion must have shown in my face. Carlisle looked at me like he was surprised that I was missing some very obvious point.

"If the pack can corner Victoria, they're going to try to force her back this way," Carlisle explained. "In that event, the wolves still in La Push will not go to intercept her. The pack is bound to protect their land. Some wolves must always remain on the reservation. If Sam, Jacob, and the others can force Victoria back this way, _we_ will go intercept her and fight her with the wolves. That is why we must stay here, at least for now. The wolves need a definitive location to herd Victoria to, if they can manage it." Anxiety and fear twisted my empty stomach. This was too much. Victoria had already _killed_ one of us! I wanted to avenge Edward, too, but I was terrified of losing anyone else to the ruthless nomad.

"Bella, we'll be fine," Jasper said, sending another wave of calm my way. "Edward faced her alone. She won't stand a chance against all of us, together."

"Any other questions, Bella?" Esme asked, trying to change the subject. I shook my head.

"Then we should probably take you hunting," Jasper said. "You must be unbearably thirsty." That one threw me. Things like thirst and hunting hadn't even crossed my mind. Now that I thought about it, though, my throat felt raw and dry. There was a steady burning sensation inside my throat that wouldn't let up. It was burning pretty bad, but I wouldn't call it unbearable. I shook my head, again. Jasper looked thunderstruck.

"_What_?" He asked incredulously, "You aren't thirsty?" Head movements really weren't the best form of communication. I started writing, again:

_I am thirsty, I think. My throat is burning and it feels really dry, but it's not unbearable. I didn't even notice it at all before you mentioned it._

Jasper's eyes were wide with disbelief as he read my written response. His eyes flashed back up to me and he looked somewhat disturbed as he looked me over appraisingly. After a moment, his eyes settled on mine in a way that told me he wasn't looking me _in_ the eye, but _at_ my eyes. I frowned at him, confused. Then, it occurred to me.

_Wait,_ I wrote_, what do my eyes look like? They aren't gold, like yours, are they?_

I had only seen one of the newborns up close: Riley. The young male that had come up the mountain with Victoria. His eyes had been bright scarlet, brighter than even the reddest eyes I'd ever seen on older vampires, such as the Volturi. Were mine that red, too? Jasper shook his head slowly, in response to my second question.

Alice and Rosalie both darted off, then. When they came back into the room, about seven seconds later, Rosalie was carrying an enormous mirror I vaguely remembered seeing in her room, before. All those human memories, though… They were there, but it was as if they were shrouded in fog. I remembered everything, but the images in my head were muddy and discolored. I remembered Rosalie telling me, once, that she thought about her human memories often, after her change, so she could hold onto them. I would have to follow that example. I didn't want to lose one minute of those precious human memories. I didn't want to forget one moment I had with Edward… Rosalie and Alice held the giant mirror up in front of me then, and I tensed in shock and alarm. Jasper tensed, too, and he stepped a little closer to me.

My eyes were even brighter red than Riley's had been. It almost looked like hot magma was swirling on the surface of my eyes. They were a frightening, glowing crimson. It wasn't just my eyes, either. My entire body looked so different! I could still see a little of my old self, but it took close inspection to notice. My dark, long, heavy hair was even more voluminous and shiny than before. My skin, though it had been very pale as a human, was a couple shades whiter. All of my scars except the bite scar from James were gone. The curves of my hips and bust were slightly more defined. Except for the eyes, I looked pretty. I had to admit it. I even looked graceful, standing still as I was. The eyes, though…

"Drinking animal blood will dilute the color faster," Carlisle said soothingly, sensing my distress even without Jasper's help. "Your eyes will gradually fade to a dark red, then amber, then gold. As long as you don't… Slip up… The color should dim to amber fairly quickly. It will take a few months for the color to become as gold as ours, though." Months?! And that's only if I don't 'slip up'?! I had no intention of ever feeding on human blood, of course, but the thought still troubled me. Then, I remembered Jasper.

Jasper was still tense beside me, waiting for me to snap, ready to intervene if necessary. I reined in my anxiety as well as I could. It didn't seem to make him feel any better, though. If anything, he was growing more disturbed by my behavior every second. I didn't know what to say to him, not that I could speak at all. I jotted down another note, trying to lighten the mood around me:

_The thirst is bearable. The color of my eyes isn't. Let's go hunt._

Emmett laughed, at least. Rosalie smiled at me. Jasper's expression didn't change.

"Jasper and I will go with you, Bella," Alice said. "We'll show you what to do. Come on." Alice flitted over to the largest window in the office, then, and she pushed it open. She gracefully leapt out and landed lightly on the ground two floors below. I was sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Jasper finally smiled, amused by my reaction.

"It's okay, Bella, it's easy," he said. "Running, jumping, hunting… Those things are instinctual. They all come very naturally." I was still looking at the window warily. Jasper laughed softly and took one of my hands, pulling me closer to the open window. "Watch me, now, Bella," he said. I watched very closely.

It certainly looked easy. Jasper simply stepped out of the window like he was stepping out of a bus. He fell to the ground and easily landed on his feet with a light thud. He and Alice both looked back up at me expectantly. I dropped the notepad I was still holding on the floor and took an unnecessary deep breath. Then, I stepped out into the open air.

'Easy' was an understatement. Though I was sure I was falling through the air quickly, it felt like everything was moving in slow motion. The ground came up to meet me at a snail's pace. It was ridiculously easy to plant my feet on the ground just right, as I landed. For a fleeting moment, I felt happy and excited. I looked around for Edward, to see what he thought of my feat… Then I remembered there was no Edward. I felt someone stab an ice pick through my chest and I couldn't breathe. I didn't need to breathe, of course, but I still felt a little dizzy.

"Bella!" Jasper's voice whipped. He was right in front of me, his hands on my arms. A wave of peace and tranquility washed over me, and I was able to breathe again. I tried to get control over my emotions, again, looking up at Jasper apologetically.

"Are you okay, Bella?" He asked, "What happened?" I frowned at him. "Oh…" He said, realizing his mistake, "Right. You can't answer that." He let go of me and stepped back, though his eyes still watched me warily.

"She'll be fine, Jazz," Alice said confidently. "She's going to bag her first mountain lion, today. I can see it." Alice smiled encouragingly at me. I tried to smile back.

"Okay, next lesson, Bella," Jasper said methodically, almost sounding like Carlisle. That made smiling a little easier. "Jumping over the river."

"Me first!" Alice called. She was already running towards the wide river. It had to be about fifty feet wide at the point she approached, but she easily cleared the distance. She pushed off from the ground just a foot away from the water and she soared through the air, throwing in a midair spin, for effect. She landed on a tree branch on the other side of the river, turning around to smile back at me.

"Ladies first," Jasper said, gesturing for me to go ahead of him. I didn't miss the slightly taunting smile that flickered across his face. I faced the river and took off running. I got there much faster than Alice had. It was surely my newborn strength that made my bounds so effortlessly long and powerful. I was still about three feet away from the water's edge when I bent my knees a little deeper and pushed off from the ground. I was flying.

Forget fifty feet, I flew almost double that distance, soaring past Alice's tree perch. I landed on a tree branch, too, about twenty feet above the ground. I heard Alice and Jasper both running after me, speeding along the forest floor. They both came to an abrupt halt when they reached my tree and they stared up at me. Jasper looked impressed. Alice beamed at me. When I didn't move for a moment, Jasper smiled.

"We don't need to go over how to get down, again, do we?" He asked tauntingly. I felt a strange need to growl at him, but, of course, I couldn't muster up such a sound. I settled for hopping easily to the ground and sticking my tongue out at him. Alice snickered.

"Okay, Bella, focus," Alice said. "Hunting is really simple, once you give yourself over to it. It's all instinct. Just let all your senses take over, Bella. For starters, close your eyes and smell. What do you smell, here?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, smelling the air around me. The strongest scents were from my immediate surroundings: The trees, the dirt, the moss, the rocks, the ferns… Alice and Jasper… Alice smelled wonderful, but not in a way that made my thirst flare. She smelled like daisies and sunrise, sweet and beautiful. Then, there was Jasper… Something about his scent was so comforting and… Intoxicating, almost. He smelled like sandalwood and rain. And, there was something else, too… It reminded me of fresh baked bread, warm in the oven. Sandalwood, rain, and warm, fresh baked bread. It was fantastic.

The next smell that I noticed was foul, by comparison, but… My mind registered it as edible, for some reason. It smelled like pitch, resin, and salt. It vaguely reminded me of the smell of hot, freshly-poured asphalt. The heat was what made it appealing. I automatically focused my hearing in the direction of the smell.

There was a soft, thrumming heartbeat. The sound of thick, wet blood washing through the animal's veins made my throat burn a little more in anticipation. I had to go get it. My body tensed without my really thinking about it, and I was off.

As I ran, I focused on little else beyond my prey. My mind had much more room than it did as a human, though, and a small part was still able to wander. A muddy memory came to mind: The first time Edward ran with me. I had been worried about him hitting trees, or, more to the point, about _me_ hitting trees. I finally saw what he meant about that not being an issue; about running being second-nature. When Edward ran with me while I was human, any surroundings registered as one big blur to me, due to the speed. These new eyes, red as they currently were, saw it all in perfect clarity. Though I was tearing through the woods with incredible speed, I could make out the delicate curve of every leaf on every tree. Hitting them was truly not a worry at all.

When the memory of Edward clawed at fragmented pieces of my cold heart, I shook it from my mind and tried to remain focused on the hunt. That was when I realized I couldn't hear Jasper and Alice behind me anymore. My legs were so strong; they made me too fast for them to keep up. I heard nothing to tell me they were even in the forest with me anymore, not until…

"Bella!" Alice suddenly screamed from somewhere far behind me. She sounded alarmed and afraid. I didn't understand until I smelled something far more appealing than pitch and resin:

It smelled like warm rhubarb compote and fresh strawberries. It made my mouth water, or, I suppose that was my venom pooling in my mouth. I didn't really care. I started to change course, my thirst having escalated to a full-blown bonfire in my throat. I barely took three strides, though, when I realized what I must be smelling: Human.

Instantly, my mind was warring with my instinct to feed. The blood smelled so good, but I couldn't have it. No! I wouldn't have it. It was a human! It was a person, maybe someone I knew! I was _not_ going to kill them!

I held my breath and turned around.

I ran even harder than before, back in the general direction of the house. I had to get away from that human scent. After a few seconds, I heard Alice's voice, again. She gasped.

"Bella! Jasper, this way! She's over here!" A second later, I could hear them running towards me. I didn't stop running, myself. Alice and Jasper were somewhere ahead of me, coming towards me. I would either pass them or run right into them. I just wasn't going to stop running. Just as I expected, a few seconds later, I ran into them… Literally. I think it was deliberate on Jasper's end, though.

Jasper tackled me and pinned me to the forest floor, my arms above my head. I instinctively felt the urge to throw him off of me, and I knew that would be very easy for me to do, but I fought the urge down with some effort. "Jasper, it's okay," Alice said, coming into view a little behind him. "Look, Jazz, she isn't even fighting you. She isn't breathing. She came across the scent of the human I saw, but she held her breath and ran away."

"How?!" Jasper growled back at her. "How did she break off mid-hunt, like that?!" He spoke to Alice, but his eyes never left my face. He looked more disturbed than ever. Apparently, I was going to be a perpetual disappointment to him. "Bella," he growled lowly at me, "_how did you do that_? _Why_ did you do that? Alice saw you crossing the scent of a human. You were completely in your hunting mode and you smelled a human. Alice and I had fallen too far behind you; we couldn't have stopped you. We erred horribly, not expecting you to go so far away from us. We didn't believe you could possibly run across humans so far out here, but… How, Bella?"

"Jasper, she can't talk, remember?" Alice said gently. "And you're still holding her arms." Jasper blinked. He looked down at me thoughtfully for a moment, then he released me. He moved off me and stood up, his eyes never leaving me. While Jasper and Alice watched me, I scraped at the earth beside me with my hand and clawed away the top layer, giving myself a clean canvas of fresh dirt to write in. I sat up slowly, watching Jasper closely. When neither he nor Alice moved to stop me, I used one fingernail to scratch what I wanted to say into the dirt:

_I could hear that I'd lost you two. I heard Alice call my name, but I already smelled the human. That's just it, though: I realized that it was a human I smelled. I had already begun running toward them, but I couldn't stand the thought of hurting someone, so I held my breath and ran away._

Alice was looking down at me in wonder while Jasper looked… Sick.

"That's it?" He asked so softly, I wasn't sure if he was really asking me or talking to himself. His expression looked pained as he looked down at me. I didn't understand why he looked so hurt… So disgusted, at first. Then, I realized he wasn't disgusted with _me_.

I clapped my hands together to reclaim his attention, then I clawed another message in the dirt:

_You didn't hunt the humans, either, Jasper._

That was, apparently, the wrong thing to say. I suddenly felt very guilty and ashamed. His emotions, not mine: "Bella, _I_ didn't _smell_ the human!" He growled. "I was never close enough! You'd left us _far_ behind, Bella. I didn't get anywhere _near_ the human! Worse is the fact that I hadn't given myself over to the hunt as thoroughly as you had. I was too concerned with finding you. That probably wouldn't have helped me, though! Because I _wasn't_ focused on _restraining_ myself! If I had come across the scent that you did, that human would probably be dead, right now! Yet, here you are, telling me you kept yourself from hunting the human because 'you couldn't stand the thought of hurting someone.' You're a _newborn_! You're as newborn as it gets! You're barely two hours old! You shouldn't have this kind of control! Not of your emotions, not of your thirst, not of your predatory instincts… Nothing!"

I felt immense self-loathing that did not belong to me as Jasper towered over me. I instinctively tensed, preparing to strike in defense. Still on the ground, I felt myself coil like a snake.

"No, Bella!" Alice scolded firmly. I blinked, as did Jasper. Jasper looked over my defensive position then, and the terrible emotions quickly left me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said softly. "Please forgive me. I lost control of my power, I'm sorry. A very deliberate wave of calm hit me, then, and I relaxed a little.

"Well, at least you drew one newborn reaction out of her," Alice said kindly to Jasper, trying to make light of the situation. "She was about to attack you for doing that." Jasper frowned at her, not finding relief in that fact at all. I clapped my hands together, again, and drew my finger through a fresh patch of dirt:

_I'm sorry I nearly attacked you, Jasper. I'm sorry I'm disappointing you, too. I was worried about all the newborn problems, myself. Maybe that's what's making the difference? I chose this. Not in the way it happened, obviously, but I chose it. I prepared myself for it ahead of time. Maybe that's making it easier for me. I'm really sorry it's upsetting you, though._

Jasper came forward and stepped in what I'd written. "Don't apologize to me, Bella," he said softly. "Please, don't." He reached out a hand to help me up. Though I certainly didn't need the help, I accepted it, laying my hand in his and letting him pull me to my feet. I felt his chagrin and sadness when I took his hand, followed by several more similar emotions, when he didn't immediately let go of my hand. "If you had attacked me, it would have been well deserved. I forgot myself, and I was much too harsh with you. I'm very sorry for that. And, Bella, I am _not_ disappointed with you. I apologize for leading you to believe that. I'm not disappointed with you at all. It's true that I _am_ very surprised and confused by your behavior… But, it's not disappointing. It's very impressive, Bella. You're handling all of this so well, and I think your theory may have something to it:

"The entire time since you first chose to become one of us, we all wondered if that would affect you, once you were changed. It could very well be that your prior understanding and preparation is helping you, now. For that matter, another factor aiding you may be what happened to…" Edward. I knew what word he hesitated to say. I felt peace and love come through our joined hands, while his eyes looked into mine apologetically. I swallowed the sob that tried to break through my composure and nodded, encouraging him to continue. "Perhaps losing him is, somehow, helping you control yourself, too," He said. "Similarly to how he made himself think of Carlisle and the rest of us, when he first encountered your scent, perhaps his memory gives you strength." I nodded, again. I thoroughly agreed with that theory. Edward had been so afraid of turning me into a vampire… A monster. I always argued that I would be fine. I would never forgive myself for breaking that promise to him, now.

For a long moment, Jasper and I stared at each other. For some reason, neither of us stepped back. Neither of us broke contact. He was still holding one of my hands and I wasn't pulling it away. He'd stopped feeding me emotions. We were just standing there. We finally broke apart when Alice spoke. Strangely, she was looking between us happily:

"So, Bella, my vision changed," she said casually. "I don't see you catching your first mountain lion, anymore." She spoke as if she'd already forgotten _why _her vision changed. She was speaking and acting like there had been no human… Like nothing had happened at all. All of a sudden, we were just entering the forest… We were starting over. "There's a herd of elk, nearby, if you want to try for that, instead?" She asked me. Something changed, then. Something big. I was unaware of what had caused it, but it was like a switch went off inside me.

I thought of Edward, again. I thought of how mountain lion had been his favorite animal to hunt. I thought of how he moved somewhat like a lion. I remembered that first run, again… The meadow… Our first kiss… The first time I saw him… The way he'd looked at me with such hate-filled eyes, because of how my blood sang to him… When he stopped the van from hitting me… The first time he brought me to meet the rest of his family, now my family... The baseball game… James… Edward leaving me… All the Cullens leaving me… Laurent… The wolves… Jacob… Volterra and the Volturi… Victoria… She'd killed him… All the cloudy human memories flooded my mind and the emotions Jasper had been waiting for finally flowed free. And I couldn't stop them.

Suddenly, I was back on the ground, as was Jasper. I had my arms tightly wrapped around my torso, almost too tightly. I was physically hurting myself with my own newborn strength, but I didn't really care. The physical pain distracted me from some of the emotional pain. I realized that was the reason Jasper was on the ground, too: My emotions were truly incapacitating him. I could see a shadow of the immense pain I felt reflected in his face. He was fighting it, though; trying to force it away from himself. "Alice, go get help," he managed to gasp, still curled up on the ground in agony. Alice was gone before he got the whole sentence out.

Seeing the pain I was inflicting on Jasper with my emotions only made me feel worse. I tried to get control of them again, but to no avail. The dam that had been keeping all this grief in was broken, and there was nothing I could do but let the water flow out. I was helpless to save myself from it, so I was helpless to spare him from it. Thankfully, others came to pull him out of the flood: Alice returned three minutes after she left us. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie were all with her.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper out of here," Carlisle instructed calmly, always the cool voice of reason. "He needs to get away from Bella." I watched as Rosalie helped Emmett lift Jasper onto his broad shoulders. He flinched at the physical contact. I realized just how hard Jasper was fighting to control his power. He wasn't able to relieve himself of my emotions, but he was struggling to not project them onto anyone else. His physical contact with Emmett was making that task even more difficult. It made me feel absolutely wretched. I flinched when Jasper whimpered at that new emotion. Emmett took off quickly after that, Rosalie following behind him.

Carlisle bent down and lifted me into his own arms. "It's okay, Bella," he spoke soothingly, though his face looked pained, seeing how miserable I was; broken in his arms. "Letting yourself grieve may help you. You might get your voice back, if you can work through this. I'm afraid Jasper won't be able to help you very much." I turned my face into Carlisle's chest and shook with my disturbingly quiet, dry sobs. I felt him turn and start running, then, carrying me back home. I heard Esme and Alice running along beside us.

I couldn't stop looking through all those memories; everything I'd experienced since first meeting Edward. Each memory was another blow; another stab to my shattered heart and anything else that was left of me, but I couldn't make the flood stop. I almost longed for the burning, again. The flames really weren't much worse than the flooding water. Burning wasn't much worse than drowning. Either way, everything hurt.

I was too far gone in my grief by the time Carlisle got me home. I was only vaguely aware of him carrying me up to what used to be Edward's room. I heard a short exchange between him and Esme:

"His room? Do you think that's wise?"

"I think it's the only way. She needs him, right now. Any part of him we can give her."

"I suppose so. Oh, Bella…" I heard Esme sob softly.

Carlisle put me down on the bed in Edward's room. I instantly curled up on my side, holding myself a little too tightly, again; holding myself together with my strong arms. "We're all right here for you, Bella," he said softly, stroking my wind-blown hair lightly. "We'll help you get through this. If you need us, just make noise any way you can, and we'll be here." I tried to nod my understanding. I wasn't sure if I succeeded or not. Either way, Carlisle leaned down to kiss my forehead gently, and then he was gone.

I wasn't really sure how long I stayed like that; silently sobbing on the bed. Though my mind certainly had the capacity to keep precise track of time, now, the effort seemed pointless to me. I didn't really want to know how much time was passing. It only reminded me of why Victoria had done this to me: She wanted my suffering to have not time limit. She wanted me to live with it forever.

It wasn't just time I'd let myself lose track of. I'd shut down as thoroughly as was probably possible for a vampire. I didn't use my sharp vision to look out the windows at night. I didn't try to learn the smells of the house and the other vampires in it. I didn't use my acute hearing to listen to what anyone in the house was saying. And I still couldn't speak. After a long period of time, though, one conversation finally caught my attention. It was coming from outside. Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Carlisle were talking on the front porch, down on the first floor. I assumed Esme and Alice were hunting.

"Carlisle, it's been a week," Jasper was saying concernedly. "She didn't really get a chance to hunt, that first day, either. After she stopped herself from hunting that human, everything turned into a downward spiral…"

"Jasper, there was nothing you could have done," Carlisle said wearily, his tone suggesting that he'd already repeated those words several times. "We were all surprised she held out as long as she did, you especially."

"It's not just that one incident, Carlisle," Jasper growled softly. "I was barely able to go anywhere _near_ her for the first three _days_! And, even when I could get close enough to try affecting her, I was scarcely able to calm her enough that she wasn't nearly breaking herself in two with her own strength!"

"Oh, stop complaining, Jasper!" Rosalie suddenly snapped. Jasper growled at her and she hissed back. "At least you did a lot to help her, while she was human! Even when I stopped treating her like shit, I kept going on to her about how much better her life was than mine! I was horrible, and I was wrong on every count! She faced the Volturi for Edward! She lost him, anyway, and was changed against her will, after all! I was wretched to her, and she's been hurt so much worse than I ever was! _You_ have _nothing_ to complain about!"

"Still can't stop belittling the troubles of others, can you?" Jasper hissed back venomously.

"That's enough, you two," Carlisle scolded firmly. "And watch your language, Rosalie. We're all upset, right now, but lashing out at each other won't help."

"It's okay, Rose," Emmett said comfortingly. "You know Bella's never been one to hold grudges. She's quick to forgive. You probably think a lot worse of yourself, now, than she thinks of you. We'll fix all this. It's gonna be alright." That was too much. I was upsetting my family. I had to say something.

"Of course I forgive you, Rosalie."

Rosalie, Jasper, Carlisle, and Emmet were all standing around my bed less than two seconds later. I blinked and sat up slowly, as surprised as they were that I had spoken.

"Bella?" Rosalie asked tentatively. "Did you say something?" I looked at her and nodded. Carlisle smiled involuntarily at my mute response.

"Bella, try speaking, again," he encouraged. I decided to try repeating the same line:

"Of course I forgive you, Rosalie," I said to her. Then, she was on the bed hugging me.

"Thank you, Bella," she said ardently. "I'm so terribly sorry for how I treated you." She pulled away from me and I looked at Jasper, next.

"You really did do so much for me, Jasper," I said to him. I blinked at the sound of my bell-like voice. It sounded strange to me, but there was more I had to say: "And Carlisle's right, there was nothing you could have done to stop what happened in the forest. I felt terrible seeing how much I was hurting you with my emotions. Honestly, I'm glad you had so much trouble affecting me, this past week. If you'd been more successful, you probably would've stayed closer. I'm glad you didn't stay close enough for me to keep hurting you. Um… Are you okay, now?" Jasper smiled warmly, if a little incredulously at me.

"Of course I'm okay, Bella," he said. "You're still hurting some… I can feel that, but you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. That relief is overpowering anything else, right now."

"Bella!" Alice's voice suddenly cried from downstairs. "You're talking!" She and Esme came running into the room. They both hugged me fiercely, nearly knocking Rosalie out of the way, in their haste. Alice was beaming and Esme looked like she'd be crying tears of joy, if she could.

"Bella, I'm so glad you're okay," Esme wailed, refusing to let go of me for a good minute or so. "It's been so long. We thought…"

"I'm fine, Mom," I said softly. Esme literally squealed with delight at the name. "Fine enough, at least. I could really use a shower and a change of clothes, though. Then, I think I need to hunt." Everyone around me nodded in agreement and I climbed of the bed… Only to be grabbed by Emmett. He pulled my clean off the floor into a fierce bear hug.

"We're gonna take care of you, little sis," he said, "you'll see." Jasper and Carlisle took their turns hugging me, once Emmet put me down. Then, Alice and Rosalie dragged me off to one of the large bathrooms in the house.

They gave me some privacy so I could shower, but I could still hear them going over what clothes to give me and what to do with my hair, in the next room. Apparently, it would take a little work to break them of the Bella-Barbie habit. I pulled off my dirty clothes, and I looked myself over in the mirror for a moment.

Standing naked in the flattering light in the bathroom, I, once again, had to admit I looked pretty, even with my hair as messy as it was. My skin looked flawless, save for the one scar on my right hand. My eyes looked much better, too. Odd, considering how they would have looked after a week of sobbing and having no sleep for a week, as a human. Carlisle had told me the red color would dilute faster if I only drank animal blood. He hadn't factored in not hunting _at all_ for my first week as a newborn vampire. My eyes were a dark, dim, muddy red. They weren't black with my thirst. I guessed that all of my own blood had to be completely cleared out of my system before I would see that color variance.

I showered quickly, not taking time to relax in the hot water, as I used to. I didn't turn the water very warm at all. I was much more sensitive to the heat than I used to be. The cold water felt perfectly pleasant to me, and the hot water felt… Strange. There was no sensation of feeling scalded. The heat of the water wasn't painful. It just felt a little too warm for my liking.

When I got out of the shower, Rosalie and Alice lost the last of their patience with me and barged in. Once they'd wrestled me into another sweater dress, this one a pretty plum color, Alice darted off to talk to Jasper about something while Rosalie attacked my hair. She blow dried it impatiently. My long, heavy hair took a long time to dry, and there were some things vampires just couldn't speed up. I was grateful that she kept the styling simple. Mainly, she just let it hang down, only pulling a few strands away from my face and securing them to the back of my head with a jeweled barrette. When Rosalie finished and Alice hadn't returned, I got a little worried. She wasn't still talking to Jasper, was she?

"Where's Alice?" I asked Rosalie. She smiled at me.

"She decided her newly durable doll didn't have enough clothes to choose from," she said. I groaned. "None of that, now," Rosalie said. "You know how much she loved it, before. Now, it's even more. It's a coping mechanism for her, you know. It's called retail therapy. You have heard of that, haven't you?" Rosalie's voice was playfully taunting. She really wanted to make amends with me. I smiled at her, but rolled my eyes. She laughed.

I was ready to go, but, for whatever reason, I felt the need to go back to Edward's room before I went hunting. It wasn't until I was in the room that my goal became more defined to me. I pulled open the top drawer of the nightstand by the bed and pushed aside a loose sheet of paper laying inside. I grabbed the little black ring box out of the drawer and opened it. The engagement ring Edward had given to me glittered inside. His mother's ring. The ring he'd intended me to wear forever, that I'd only ever worn for a few seconds. I pulled it out of the box and slipped it onto my left hand. A perfect fit, just as it had been on that wonderful day I'd spent alone with him. It was strange to think it had been less than two weeks ago. I sobbed softly.

"Bella?" Jasper was suddenly standing behind me. "Are you okay?" I turned to face him and his eyes zeroed in on the ring on my finger. "Oh," he said. He stepped forward and took my left hand, squeezing lightly, so I felt the ring press into my stone finger with a little more pressure. "He'll always be with you, Bella," he said softly. "He said he would love you forever, and he will. Whether or not you can see him doesn't change that." I threw myself at Jasper and hugged him tightly, letting out another gentle sob. He shifted uncomfortably, after a moment.

"Um. Bella?" He said, "Too tight… Ow."

"Oops!" I gasped, pulling away from him quickly and locking my arms behind my back. I remembered something he'd told everyone while training them to fight the newborns, then: Don't let them get their arms around you. I was too strong. I would have to be more careful. Jasper smiled wryly at me.

"That's okay, Bella," he said kindly. "Are you ready to hunt? Alice told me I should be the one to take you, before she left."

"Sure," I said. "Um… Give me just another minute? I'll be right down."

"Of course," Jasper said, smiling and leaving the room quickly. I listened to his footsteps as he walked down to wait for me in the living room.

I looked at the ring on my finger again, twisting my hand from side to side, so it glittered in the light of the room. I sighed and turned to put the ring box back in the nightstand drawer. That was when I got a better look at the piece of paper I'd pushed aside, before. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. The paper had a note on it… In Edward's elegant handwriting. I grabbed it out of the drawer eagerly and read the brief letter:

_Dearest Bella,_

_I am so very sorry for the pain our parting has caused you. I'm glad you are on the mend, even if the process is slow. Please be well, my Bella. That is all I can ask of you, right now. I am sorry things had to be this way, but, I assure you, you will be okay. Take care of my family, Bella. Know that they all love you dearly, and that you all belong together, even in my own absence. Now, go hunting, Bella. You need it._

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

_P.S. I love you._


	3. The Meadow

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 3: The Meadow**

**A/N: So, when any Twilighter thinks of "the meadow", they think of one of the best scenes in SM's entire book series. Well, this is _my_ take on "the meadow" scene... Minus Edward.**

I was frozen as I stared at the letter. For several seconds, I didn't move at all, not even when I heard Jasper come into the room, again.

"Bella?" He asked from a few feet behind me. "You were taking a while, and then I felt… Bella, what's wrong?" Without turning to face Jasper, I made my arm move: I held the letter out to him and let my arm fall back to my side as soon as he took it. He gasped when he saw the handwriting. It only took him one second to read the letter… Then his hands were on my arms.

"Bella, say something," Jasper ordered as he pulled me around to face him. "Anything. Say something, right now, Bella."

"Edward," I whimpered the name. "How? I don't…" Wave after wave of ease and serenity poured into me from where Jasper's hands were still on my arms, the letter having been dropped on the floor. "I don't understand," I managed to continue speaking under his influence. "How could he have…? He knows he's gone. He knows I haven't hunted. But he still wrote… How?"

Sheer agony ripped at the hole in my chest, despite Jasper. This was all so wrong. Why was this happening? I was sure my heart would be pounding against my rib cage, were I still human. I couldn't understand…

Jasper suddenly pulled me into a tight hug. I tensed for a moment, surprised, and I started to pull away. Jasper's hold on me tightened. "Don't fight me, Bella," he ordered. "Relax." That was when it hit:

Calm, ease, peace, happiness, love, joy, giddiness, serenity, contentment… Every positive emotion Jasper could push into me was pouring into my body from every angle. That's why he was hugging me; why his arms were strategically positioned to hold my body flush against his. Physical contact made his influence stronger, and he was in physical contact with as much of my body as he could manage, at once. His head even rested on top of mine as he held me fast. He was focusing the full power of his gift on me, and I gasped at the magnitude of it.

"Jasper, what the heck?" Emmett was suddenly standing in the doorway behind Jasper, looking mildly agitated, but also giddy… Oh. Jasper was focusing his power on me, but it was bleeding out into the rest of the house, too, affecting everyone. Rosalie appeared less than a millisecond after Emmett, and she was followed by Carlisle and Esme. Alice didn't show up, but she was out shopping. Jasper didn't release me.

"Jasper, what happened?" Carlisle asked. Jasper didn't answer. He was focusing all his power and energy on me. All the positive emotions continued to pound into me. I tried to answer Carlisle, gasping for unnecessary air as I fought through the flood of emotions to find my voice:

"The letter," I gasped. "The floor." Coherent speech was impossible, but I tried my best. Jasper growled and I realized my struggle to speak to Carlisle counted as 'fighting him'. That was what he had meant, before. I gave up my struggle and let his power completely engulf me, again. I was only vaguely aware of the collective gasp from the four vampires in the doorway, as they, undoubtedly, picked up and read the letter. Jasper held me for another ten seconds before, with a frustrated sigh, he released me.

I looked up at Jasper, confused by his clearly evident frustration, as he stepped away from me. He turned to look at the rest of our family, and I realized what the problem was: Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie all looked crestfallen and confused. Jasper was outnumbered. Everyone around him was hurting too much for him to keep up. I, at least, was feeling a little better, though still horribly confused. I grabbed Jasper's hand and pulled him toward Edward's window. He came along willingly enough.

"Jasper and I are going hunting," I announced to Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. Jasper jumped out the window even as I spoke. "Show Alice the letter, when she gets back. Maybe she'll have some idea…" I jumped out the window without looking back at my family. I needed some space, as did Jasper. I didn't want to see the way they were all surely looking at me.

Jasper and I both took of running as soon as I landed on the ground beside him. Neither of us said a word. We just ran. I had to focus on not going too fast, as I tried to keep pace with Jasper. I didn't want to lose him in the woods, again. I wanted to stay with him. I didn't focus on where I was going, letting him lead. After about four minutes, we stopped in the middle of a meadow… Edward's meadow.

"I wasn't sure where to go," Jasper said softly; apologetically. "We don't have to stay here, if you don't want to. We can go somewhere else. I just thought you might want a moment, before we really hunt…"

"It's okay, Jasper," I spoke softly, as well. "Here is fine… Thank you."

"Edward told us he brought you here, before," Jasper said. I nodded.

"This was where I first saw him in the sunlight," I said. "Our first kiss was nearby, too. Of course…" I wasn't sure I should tell Jasper what else had happened to me in this meadow. It might make him feel even worse for bringing me here.

"Of course, what, Bella?" Jasper prodded. I let out a resigned sigh.

"This is also where Laurent tried to kill me, when you were gone, and where I first saw the wolves… As wolves, I mean." Jasper let out a low growl and I turned to face him. He looked furious. With himself or Laurent, it was difficult to tell.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said without relaxing his tightly clenched jaw. "I shouldn't have brought you here. I didn't know."

"Jasper, I'm glad you brought me here," I said. Jasper's furious expression dissolved and was replaced by one of confusion. He stared at me inquiringly.

"After all of you left…" That was all I managed to get out before the hole in my chest seared with pain. Jasper immediately hit me with a wave of serenity. I breathed it in and continued: "I don't know what Edward or Alice told you. I never, really, gave either of them the whole story, but… Starting a few months after Edward left, I kind of went… Looking for trouble. Danger is, really, the better word for it. You see, when I did something dangerous or stupid, or when I went somewhere that reminded me of Edward, I would… Hallucinate, I guess. I would hear his voice in my head, as if he was standing right beside me, again… As if he never left."

Jasper was frowning at me sadly. He still looked a little confused. "I'm not sure I understand, Bella," he said. "How do your hallucinations relate to what happened to you here, in the meadow?"

"Like I said, after I started having those hallucinations, I began seeking out ways to trigger more of them," I said. "I heard him when one of the wolves phased near me, once, so I spent continually more time with them, especially Jacob. I heard him when I rode motorcycles with Jacob, so I kept riding, even after I ended up in the ER a few times… When I was in Port Angeles with Jessica, I approached a group of men who looked kind of like…" I trailed off when I saw the look on Jasper's face. He looked alarmed and furious, again.

"They weren't the ones who tried to attack you, that time?" He asked me incredulously. I shrunk back from his anger a little. I took a step backward and shook my head. Jasper blinked.

"I'm sorry," he said, forcing himself calm and sending me the same emotion. "Please, go on."

"They weren't the same men," I said, "but… I thought they were, at first. That was, actually the first time I heard it. I heard Edward telling me to stop. He told me I was being reckless, and he told me to go with Jessica… To get away from the men…" I hesitated to go on, wary of upsetting Jasper, again. He surprised me by smiling faintly.

"That does sound like Edward," he said, the warm tone of his voice encouraging me to continue:

"It was like I woke up, then," I said. "I had been walking around like a zombie, before that… Oh." I frowned, realizing I hadn't told Jasper that part of the story. "I'm sorry. I'm not telling the story right. I'm talking in circles."

"It's okay," Jasper said reassuringly. "I think I'm still following most of it… Maybe you could start over, from the beginning? Right after we left? I always have been curious about that. Alice and Edward both seemed to know bits and pieces of the story, but… If you really don't mind telling me… If you want to… Of course, I won't make you, if you don't."

I had never seen Jasper like this; so unsure of himself. It was intriguing to me, and I _did_ want to tell him the whole story; the entire truth that even Alice didn't know… That Edward never knew, because I'd been too afraid to tell him; afraid that the truth would hurt him too much. I wanted to tell Jasper, though. I wanted someone to know.

"Could we sit down?" I asked Jasper. We, of course, didn't _need_ to sit. We didn't get tired or uncomfortable from standing, like humans did. More than anything, it was just something to do. It was a comfortable habit. Jasper nodded and we both walked over to a particularly dense patch of grass and flowers. We sat amongst the lush flora and Jasper waited patiently while I sorted through my muddy human memories, trying to put them all in the right order.

"Edward asked me to come walk with him in the woods," I began. "He said we needed to talk… He told me the rest of you were already gone. He said he was leaving, too, and that he didn't want me to come. That he just didn't _want_ me, though he did make me promise to not do anything reckless or stupid. I didn't really understand why… I tried to argue. I said what happened with you, at the party, was nothing; that it was okay. I told him none of those little dangers mattered… And he agreed. He told me that was the point; that he was tired of pretending that he wasn't a vampire, and that he didn't want me, anymore…" I started to question whether or not going back through all this was wise as my heart ached and burned inside my icy body.

"Bella, none of that was true," Jasper said vehemently. "You know that, don't you?" I just nodded, not looking at him.

"I tried to follow him, when he ran," I continued. "Stupid and pointless as I knew it was, I tried… Sam, Jared, and Paul found me, much later that night. I didn't know who they were, then, of course. Sam carried me back to my house. Several people from town had been searching for me for hours… I barely noticed. I didn't really care. Sam left me with Charlie, and Dr. Gerandy came in to check one me… I think. Eventually, I got upstairs. I immediately checked for the CD Edward had given me, with my lullaby… It was gone, as was the picture I'd taken of him. Anything that would remind me of him was gone… A 'clean break'." Jasper frowned at me when he clearly heard the quotations in my voice, but I shook my head.

"I cried myself to sleep, that night. And the three or four months after that were more of the same. I hated to be awake, because I hated going on without him. I was afraid to go to sleep, because I would dream about him, and sometimes the rest of you, and that would just make it all hurt worse, when I woke back up, again. I, apparently, screamed and cried in my sleep every night. Eventually, Charlie stopped running into my room to check on me…" Jasper had scooted a little closer to me and he was holding one of my hands in his. He was trying to keep the horrible emotions that were surely rolling off me in check. I laughed wryly. He gave me a confused look.

"As more time passed, I gradually went from being an emotional wreck to being… Well, the punch-line actually comes later in the story, but I'll say it, now: A zombie. I was empty and hollow. I stopped listening to music. I stopped reading. I made myself stop thinking of any of you. I didn't want to forget, but I didn't want to remember, either. I went to school, I came home and cooked for Charlie… I went through all the motions, all with no _e_motions. When Alice came back, much later, and spoke to Charlie, I heard him use phrases like 'night of the living dead' and 'catatonic'." Jasper winced at those words. I looked away from him and went on:

"Anyway, one day, I started coming out of it and I realized how much I'd alienated myself from my human friends. I asked Jessica to go see a movie with me, in Port Angeles. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle a romantic movie without enduring serious consequences, so I chose the horror movie… The zombie movie."

"That's where the 'punch-line' came in," Jasper said gently. I nodded.

"The only thing about that stupid movie that scared me in the slightest was that I wasn't the girl running from the monsters, anymore," I said. "I was the zombie."

"Could you stop using that word?" Jasper suddenly asked me. "Apathetic works, if you like, but please stop calling yourself a 'zombie'."

"But I _was_," I said. "I was… Fine. I was apathetic, lifeless, soulless… I was thin and tired. My eyes were dark from never sleeping well. My skin was even paler than usual… I ran out of the movie theatre. When Jessica came after me, I told her I was just too scared. So, we left the theatre and went to look for something to eat…"

"That's when you saw those men," Jasper said. I nodded.

"Like I told you, I heard Edward's voice. That was when I remembered the promise I'd made to him; that I wouldn't do anything reckless or stupid. That was what started it all. I didn't really care that my behavior made Jessica think I was insane or suicidal… As far as I knew, I _was_ insane. The suicidal part came later."

"Not funny," Jasper said.

"Not meant to be," I countered. "Besides, you don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about the… Cliff. Anyway, you're jumping ahead."

"Then, back up," Jasper growled softly. I smiled wryly and continued:

"Most of it happened before Jacob turned into one of the wolves," I said. "I might be remembering some of these things a little out of order, but… What brought me to Jacob was the motorcycles. I found two small ones in need of repair. I knew Jacob was good with cars, so I brought them to him. I told him I would pay for the parts and work if he kept one for himself and taught me how to ride, all without telling anyone, of course. I had too keep what I was doing from Charlie, and Billy was acting… Strange." I looked at Jasper and he nodded knowingly.

"You didn't know about the pack, yet," he said.

"While Jacob worked on the bikes, I… Experimented," I said. "I tried going to your house, at one point. That didn't go well. I couldn't make myself get close enough to look inside, and I had to pull the truck over, after I left… I was crying so hard, and it hurt so bad." Jasper sent another wave of calm through our joined hands.

"I also tried finding this meadow, by myself," I continued. "I wasn't able to. Not the first time, anyway. That comes later, though.

"When Jake finished the bikes, he took me out to a dirt road in La Push to practice riding… And that did it. Edward's voice came back, clear and absolutely furious." I laughed at the memory. I couldn't help it. Jasper laughed, too, and I took a moment to enjoy the deep, musical quality of the sound. It was beautiful and so comforting.

"Every time I went _near_ those motorcycles, it came back," I said. "At least… It came until I started getting good at riding. When the amount of danger lessened, the voice faded… So, I asked Jacob to help me find this meadow. I told him I'd stumbled across it once, and wanted to search it out, again. He came with me once, but we still didn't find it. We went to the movies, but then he got… Sick. He had a really high fever. Not long after that, Jacob stopped speaking to me. He had mentioned Sam Uley's 'cult' to me, before. I thought Sam had taken him, like he'd taken several of the boys from La Push…"

"Bella, you didn't know," Jasper said soothingly, squeezing my hand.

"No jumping ahead," I scolded.

"Sorry," Jasper almost laughed. I smiled faintly at him and went on:

"I decided I _had_ to find this meadow. I knew I would either fall to pieces again or turn back into a… Very apathetic, lifeless shell, if I didn't find it. I tried once more… And I made it. I found the meadow, but… Nothing. I had hoped finding it would trigger the hallucination, again. This place was so… Edward, to me. I was sure I would find some sign of him here. Some piece of that mythical world he belonged to had to be here. That was the problem, though: A piece of that world _did_ find me, here."

"Laurent," Jasper said the name like an expletive, a low growl rumbling in his chest.

"Laurent," I repeated. "I was stupid, Jasper. I… I called out to him. I just stood there while he approached me. I was _glad_ to see him. Last I heard, he'd gone up to Denali, to try the 'vegetarian' diet… I didn't notice his eyes until he was just a few feet away. He was too close, and his eyes were red… Around the edges, at least. He was thirsty. I was a sweet-smelling human. And he was too close…"

Jasper instinctively growled, again, and his grip on my hand tightened. I laughed. That disturbed him a little. I tried to explain:

"I did hear Edward's voice again, after all," I said. Jasper winced, understanding. "He warned me not to run, and he told me to tell Laurent you were all still here. I did, but Laurent knew I was lying. He'd gone by the house, first. He knew it was vacant. Edward's voice told me to threaten him. I told Laurent that Edward would come after him, if he killed me. He didn't buy that, either. I got desperate and asked him about Victoria… He said he was there on a _favor_ for her. He said that Victoria wanted me for herself…" That was almost too much. Knowing that Victoria _had_ gotten to me made me choke on my words. Jasper scooted even closer to me and released my hand… In favor of draping his arm around my shoulders. More physical contact.

"Edward's voice told me to beg, and I did," I said. "I begged Laurent not to kill me, but he just came closer… Edward's voice growled in my head, knowing what was coming, but… That was when the wolves showed up. There were five of them. Wolves as big as horses. They were terrifying to me, but, what surprised me was… They terrified Laurent, too. He _ran away_. He ran away and the wolves followed him… And I ran home.

"Some time after that, I tried talking to Jacob, again. He finally spoke to me, but… He was mean and angry… He wasn't my Jacob, anymore… Oh. I forgot something," I said to Jasper. "The hole. After Edward left, I got this big hole in my chest that burned and hurt me so terribly… I would wrap my arms around myself a lot, trying to hold myself together… Well, the hole had been feeling a little better, up until that point. It hadn't healed, but it had gotten a little less painful… Until then.

"An entirely _different_ hole appeared when I lost Jacob, then. I went home and the screaming and crying started, again. Victoria was after me, I thought Laurent had survived and was still hunting me, too, and Edward and Jacob had _both_ left me… Jacob came back, later that night, though. He came through my window, like Edward always had. He said he was sorry, but that he couldn't tell me what was going on. He said I had to figure it out myself, but that I already _did _know the answer… I was tired and confused, so I told him to go home and let me think. That was when the dream came back.

"Did Edward tell you how I tricked Jacob into telling me what you are?" I asked Jasper. He nodded. "Well, after I spoke to Jacob, that day. I had this dream… I saw Edward with fangs… I knew the fangs part wasn't true, but still… He was clearly a vampire, in the dream, and Jacob was trying to make me run away from him. Then, when I started to go with Edward, Jacob changed into a wolf… The first time I had the dream, the wolf was no bigger than your average wolf, if not smaller… This second time, though, he looked exactly like one of the horse-sized ones from the meadow. That was when I remembered the _whole_ story Jacob had told me… About vampires _and_ werewolves."

"They aren't, actually, 'werewolves', you know," Jasper said suddenly. I blinked unnecessarily and looked up at him, confused. He smiled a little guiltily. "I suppose one of us should have told you, sooner," he said. "There are _real_ werewolves; the kind that only change during the full moon. I haven't seen one, myself, but I've spoken to others who have. This La Push pack, though… They are, technically, 'shape-shifters'. They are a species of part-humans with the power to change their shape, at will. They don't _have_ to change into wolves. That just happens to be their chosen shape, not that even _they_ realize the choice. They think of themselves as werewolves, just as you do, but that's not really true."

"And _why_ did no one mention this, before?" I asked incredulously. Jasper just shrugged, then he smiled down at me.

"You're jumping _way_ too far ahead," he teased. "Get back on track, please." I growled softly and Jasper laughed, hugging me closer to him in a gesture that seemed subconscious. I gave him a sardonic smile and got back to my story:

"So, I woke up and went straight over to La Push, though it was still way too early in the morning. I didn't care. Jacob was still asleep. I almost woke him up, anyway, but I decided to go down to the beach, instead. I just told Billy to send Jacob down, when he woke up. It was obvious to Billy that I knew the truth, then, so he didn't argue. When Jacob came down to the beach, later, he was the hardened version of himself, again. Edward's voice came back, then… He warned me to be careful around Jacob; to not upset him too much. I realized Jacob was just afraid that I would hate him, knowing what he was. I told him I wasn't, and we ended up talking for a while. He was a little angry with me for my relationship with all of you, but… He accepted it." Jasper frowned at my obvious evasiveness, but he didn't press me.

"He told me Laurent was dead, and I told him about… Victoria. She was still killing nearby, and they were trying to catch her. I told them I was what she was after. He decided to take me to the rest of the pack, then. When we first met up with all of them, they were furious with Jacob, for exposing their secret to me. Paul lost control and phased. Edward's voice growled in my head while Jacob phased to protect me. He and Sam got Paul away from me, and Jared and Embry took me back to Sam and Emily's home. When Jacob, Paul, and Sam caught up to us, Jacob had already given them the whole story through the pack mind, and they told Emily and the other two… And that was how the crazy human who loved vampires became the crazy human who loved vampires _and_ werewolves," I added, drawing a growl out of Jasper. I laughed softly and I felt his body vibrate against mine as he chuckled, too.

"So, what happened to the crazy human, then?" Jasper's deep voice murmured in my ear.

"She mainly stayed hidden in La Push," I said. "Sam and Billy arranged for Charlie to come over, as often as possible, too. That way, they could protect us _both_ from Victoria without running over to Forks as often. I got restless, though… With the pack keeping such a close eye on me, the danger that made me hear Edward's voice began to fade. I couldn't bear that. I had seen Sam, Jared, and Paul cliff-diving, before. Jacob had promised to take me, sometime. I decided to take him up on his offer. When I went down to the beach, though… He didn't come. A storm was coming, though. The problem was, I was too far gone… I was too desperate to hear Edward's voice, again…"

"Alice's vision," Jasper spoke very softly. I almost couldn't hear him, despite the fact that his lips were very close to my ear. I leaned back into him a little, and I nodded.

"I wasn't suicidal," I said quietly. "I just wanted to hear his voice… I went up to the highest point of the cliffs, where I'd seen the others diving, before… And it came back. Edward pleaded with me in my head. He begged me not to jump, getting angry when I wouldn't listen; stubborn, as always. I just couldn't give his voice up, once I had it… So, I jumped. I heard his voice all the way down. I heard it when I fell into the water. I heard it when the current held me under… And I saw him. I, actually, _saw_ his face. Angelic and beautiful as always. He kept telling me to fight; to keep swimming, but I didn't want to, and I couldn't..." Jasper's other arm wrapped around my waist and he pulled me onto his lap, making more physical contact with me as that old sense of desperation welled up inside me. Jasper pushed those feelings away from me, and, after a moment, I continued:

"Jacob saved me. He was strong enough to fight the current. He found me and pulled me out of the water. When I came around, again, he took me back to his house… Then we found out that Harry Clearwater had died of a heart attack. I felt horrible. My dad's best friend had died, and I had almost killed myself, too. I decided to go home, to be there when Charlie got back from the hospital. Jacob drove me back. When we got to my house, though… He smelled a vampire."

"Alice," Jasper said.

"We thought it was Victoria," I said, "until I saw Carlisle's Mercedes. I knew it was one of you. Jacob got angry when I told him I wanted to stay. He hated that I still cared so much about all of you… He almost phased, he was so mad at me, but he just left me. I went inside and found Alice… After giving her… _Some_ of this same story, I asked her to stay with me for a while. I'm hoping she told you about that part?" I asked Jasper.

"She did," Jasper said. "You can skip ahead, a little."

"When we found out Edward was going to the Volturi… _That_ was when I felt a little suicidal," I said softly. "Alice didn't like it. I guess she kept seeing me trying to get myself killed by the Volturi, too, if we didn't get to Edward in time. When she spoke to you on the phone, though, that just made me feel worse. I didn't want her to get hurt, too. I wanted her to get back to you, even if Edward and I didn't… That's all it was ever about, though: 'Edward and I'. I couldn't think of us as separate entities. Either we both lived or we both died. I couldn't bear to lose him, again… But, now… I have." Those last two words came out as a sob. Jasper twisted me around in his lap so my head was resting against his chest, and he cradled me snugly against him.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered in my ear. I shook my head feebly against him.

"I'm glad you brought me here, Jasper," I said. "It's kind of like it was, back then. I can't hear his voice, like I did then, but… I still have a sense of him, here. More so, actually. That time I came here, as a human, I couldn't really feel much of him here, but I do now… I can't explain it properly. It almost feels like he's listening to me… Like he's here with us, right now… I can feel him, Jasper." I sobbed again, burying my face in Jasper's shoulder. "I can feel him, Jasper, and I don't understand why! I don't understand how he wrote that letter to me! He's gone, but he's still here! I can feel him here, and _it makes no sense_!"

"Shh…" Jasper murmured, stroking my hair. "It's okay, Bella. Shh… Sometimes, things that happen to us just don't make sense. You've certainly experienced that, before now. We'll try to make what sense we can of all this, Bella. We all will. We'll help you. I'll help you… I'll always be here for you, Bella." Jasper hugged me tighter and I clutched at him, grabbing handfuls of his long-sleeved shirt until the sound of fabric tearing reminded me to loosen my grip.

"Sorry," I murmured, pushing myself away from him a little. That was when the sun made an appearance.

I gasped when the sunlight touched my skin, making it sparkle. I pushed up the long sleeves of my sweater dress, exposing more skin to the light. It was surreal and spectacular, while it also made my heart ache. It was in this meadow that I had first witnessed this phenomenon: Vampire skin sparkling like diamonds in the sunlight; Edward's beautiful, prismatic skin… Now, mine was sparkling, too. I gasped, again, when I noticed the scar on my right hand: It was so defined! The effect was strange, really. The scarred skin, itself, looked slightly darker in the sunlight, but it glittered even more than the rest of my skin. It stood out even more than usual, as the sun glinted off it. That was when I froze, where I sat… Still on _Jasper's_ lap! He had become incredibly still beneath me. I looked up at him slowly.

If it were possible for me to cry, the sight of Jasper's ravaged skin would have brought tears to my eyes. He still looked beautiful… Gorgeous, in the sunlight… But his scars were even more defined. Most of his skin was covered by his clothing, but the sunlight shattered off all the scars of his hands, face, and neck. I reached up tentatively to touch the layers of scars on his neck. He didn't move. I ran my glittering fingers over the marks, and I couldn't contain the whisper of a sob that came to my lips. "Jasper, I'm so sorry," I whispered. "What all those newborns did to you…"

"You're the first newborn to ever touch my neck like this," he said wryly. "No teeth, no venom… It's nice." He smiled at me before he added, "Is this what it was like when you first saw Edward in the sun? Hesitant touches and wonder in your eyes?" I smiled back at him.

"Pretty much," I said.

"I don't look as good in the sun as Edward did, though," Jasper said. "The scars kind of ruin the pretty effect."

"You're beautiful, Jasper," I said reassuringly. "Totally and completely beautiful… My touch probably feels different to you than it did to Edward. I'm not as warm, and I don't smell as good." Jasper laughed.

"You do smell good, Bella," he said. "You smell wonderful, just not _edible_, and thank God for that! That human you smelled a week ago, Bella… I didn't catch their scent, myself, but I can say with confidence that you smelled better, when you were human. Your blood only sang to Edward, but you have no idea how sweet it smelled to the rest of us, too. Emmett was the only one of us who didn't count your blood as the sweetest they'd ever smelled, and that's only because he'd already found his own singer, before… And drank from them." I cringed at the image those words brought to my mind, but I was pulled away from those thoughts when Jasper grabbed my left hand, the one without a scar. It confused me, at first. Then, he ran a finger down my inner forearm, coming to a stop at the tip of my index finger.

"At the beginning of your story, you said it was okay," Jasper said softly. "You said what happened at your birthday party didn't matter… I almost killed you, Bella. The sweetest blood was spilled from your veins, and I couldn't resist… I couldn't stop myself. And I _still_ can't make much distinction between the different scents of humans! All the rest of my family… _Our_ family… They always said your blood smelled like freesia, with a bit of lavender… It just smelled irresistibly sweet, to me…" Jasper was still staring at my arm. I reached out the hand he wasn't holding and put it under his chin, lifting his head until his dark gold eyes met my dark, muddy red ones.

"Like I said, Jasper, it was nothing," I said firmly. "It was an accident, and it was no more your fault than it was mine. You can say it was your fault, for not controlling your thirst, but I can say it was my fault, for not being more careful and getting that stupid papercut. I was a klutz, as a human, Jasper. I was an accident waiting to happen, and an accident _did_ happen. That's all it was, though: An _accident_. And, as for controlling your thirst, now, and distinguishing between the scents of humans… We can work on that, together, alright? I'm starting from the beginning, and you're starting over. We'll get through it together. Deal?" I held out my right hand to Jasper and he smiled at me. He took my hand firmly in his and shook it once.

"Deal," he said. I started to pull my right hand away, but he didn't let go. He turned my hand over in his and he ran a finger along my solitary bite scar.

"Pretty insignificant, compared to all of yours," I muttered. Jasper smiled warmly at me.

"None of mine were inflicted while I was still human, Bella," he said. "I would say that makes your one scar equal about thirty of mine."

"_Thirty_?" I scoffed. "No way!"

"Twenty?" Jasper offered.

"Jasper! You survived fighting several _armies_ of newborn vampires. I was bitten by _one_ older vampire!"

"_Beaten_ and bitten," Jasper argued. "Fifteen."

"Two!" I retorted.

"Bella," Jasper groaned exasperatedly.

"Fine," I growled. "Five."

"Ten," Jasper said.

"Six," I said.

"Deal," Jasper conceded. "Your one is equal to six of mine."

"Jasper?" I asked, forcing my voice to sound light and innocent. Jasper looked down at me, surprised by the sudden change. I was still in his lap, so I just twisted my upper body to face him directly… And tackled him. Jasper took a moment to react, stunned as he was by my sudden attack, but he regained his composure quickly.

Jasper rolled beneath me, using my strength against me, so I was thrown to the side. I lost my grip on him as he shifted under me, and, before I knew it, our positions were reversed: I was on the ground and Jasper was on top of me, pinning me down, holding my arms together over my head. I pushed against his hold and broke it. I lifted myself up as though doing abdominal crunches and Jasper fell off me, only to turn and lunge at me from the side. The boom of our collision was only drowned out by our playful growls as I tried to fight him off. He was experienced with fighting newborns though, and I never stood a chance. It only took Jasper a few seconds to pin me, again, this time touching his lips to my neck in a mock bite. I froze underneath him and he immediately pulled away.

"What is it, Bella?" He asked. "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?" I didn't answer right away, giving Jasper time to jump to conclusions: "Oh, no. I forgot. I'm so sorry, Bella, I wasn't thinking! You saw Victoria kill Edward… Of course that would make you remember… I'm so sorry, Bella, please forgive me!" I blinked. I hadn't really been thinking of that, but the reminder sure helped… I fought down a sob that tried to rise from my chest, and I pushed the unwanted mental image from my mind.

"It's okay, Jasper," I said, sitting up and facing him. "I wasn't thinking about that. There's nothing to forgive. I just…" I wasn't really sure what to say. I wasn't really sure how I felt about what had happened. So, I changed the subject: "I was just wondering… How _do_ I smell to you, now?" Jasper blinked, surprised.

"Haven't you become familiar with your own scent, Bella?" He asked. I frowned. I hadn't thought of it that way.

"I guess not," I said slowly. "This past week, I wasn't really focusing on things like that… Scents, sounds… I guess I tuned all of that out for a while, there. _Should _I know my own scent better?" I asked. "I've noticed all of yours, by now. Yours and Alice's, especially. You smell like sandalwood, rain, and fresh baked bread." Jasper grinned at me and nodded.

"Just try to focus on your own scent, Bella," he encouraged. "Hold your hand up to your face and smell." I did as he instructed, holding my scarred right hand close to my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply through my nose. I did that a few times, picking up on new notes to my scent each time: Eucalyptus, rain, and smoke… A good kind of smoke… Not from cigarettes or vampire-burning fires. It was the kind of smoke you smelled coming from people's chimneys on cold days… It was a comforting smell. I opened my eyes to see Jasper had closed his.

"I smell like rain, too," I told him. He nodded without opening his eyes. "And eucalyptus and smoke." I said. Jasper nodded again, finally opening his eyes.

"Like I said, you smell wonderful," he said to me. "I love your scent. It's warm and comforting… Inviting. Just like you are." Jasper smiled at me and I couldn't help but grin back. We sat in silence for a moment, and I watched the sun glitter off our skin for a while longer. Then, Jasper sighed. I met his suddenly incredulous gaze with inquiring eyes.

"Bella, would you please let me show you how to hunt, now?" He asked. "I know how difficult it is for _me_ to go a week without hunting, and you're not only a newborn, but you haven't hunted _at all_ since your change. This is getting ridiculous… Besides, Edward told you to hunt, in that letter. We'll figure out how he's communicating with you later, but, for now, we'll just listen to him. Deal?" Jasper extended his right hand to me and I shook it.

"Deal," I grumbled. "Teach me how to hunt, Major Whitlock." Jasper laughed and pulled me up to my feet.

"You know you're supposed to salute a superior officer, when addressing them," he teased, releasing my hand. I brought it up to my forehead in a mock salute.

"Yes, Major Whitlock, Sir," I said in a horribly fake Southern accent, trying to sound like one of his soldiers in Texas. "Please teach me how to hunt, Sir." Jasper grinned at me.

"At ease, soldier," he said to me in a perfect Southern accent I had never heard him use, before. "I'll teach you to hunt, then we'll work on that accent." I burst out laughing.

"I never hear you use that accent, before," I said in my normal voice. Jasper shrugged.

"I'm used to concealing it, by now," he said, still letting his accent come through. "It's been almost two centuries since I was a human, in Texas. And, since I joined the Cullen family, I've been pretending to be Rosalie's twin. She doesn't have an accent. Not using it just makes everything a little easier."

"I like it," I said. "And we're not in contact with any humans, now…"

"I suppose letting it slip can't hurt, now," Jasper agreed.

"And you just told me you'll help me work on my accent," I reminded him. "Hearing yours more often will probably help." I smiled at Jasper and he grinned back at me.

"Probably so, Ma'am," he said in an undeniably sexy Southern drawl. "So, shall we go hunt?" He held out his arm for me and I took it gently.

"Yes, we shall," I tried to mimic his accent, again, and failed miserably. Jasper just laughed as he led me out of the meadow… And, for a moment, I could've sworn I heard Edward laughing, too.


	4. Do as I Say, Not as I Do

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 4: Do as I Say, Not as I Do**

**A/N: For those who haven't noticed, yet, this story and the _Children of Saturn, Book I: What Have We Done_ are the two big Bella/Jasper fics I have going, right now. Here's a reading tip: The relationship will move slower in this fic than in WHWD. I highly encourage reading both, as they are very different, but you might favor one over the other, based on the rate of relationship progress. WHWD will also have much more angst and violence. This story is a little more poignant. Enjoy! Theme song for this chapter: "Forever" by Idina Menzel (great song, if you haven't heard it!). **

When Jasper and I were finished massacring a herd of five elk, I stood up straight to survey the damage… And I don't mean the elk.

Jasper still looked perfect, of course. His hair was a little messier than usual, but with those curls it was difficult to notice such minimal damage. Other than that, he looked just as he had back in the meadow. His clothes were clean and completely intact, except for the small tear I'd accidentally made in his shirt, earlier. My appearance, however… Well, Jasper sure thought it was funny.

"What did I do wrong?" I grumbled as Jasper choked down his laughter.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella," he said reassuringly. "You're young. Hunting _is_ instinctual, but hunting _neatly_ takes practice. You'll learn."

"I hope I learn, _soon_," I groaned as one of my tattered sleeves gave up and just fell off. The once purple sweater dress I wore was now a dark burgundy color. All the blood covering me had stained it and darkened the color. Rips and tears varying in size peppered the dress. Somehow, I'd managed to lose my shoes, entirely. "Alice is going to kill me, if I keep this up."

"Don't worry, I'll keep her off you," Jasper laughed, pushing aside the carcass of one of my kills and grabbing one of my missing shoes from under it. "We can probably convince Emmett to help, too, if you're really afraid." The taunting tone of Jasper's voice was completely unrestrained, as he spoke. I growled at him, but his smile just got wider as the joke continued: "Really, Bella, trying to figure out what to expect from you is a full-time job. When you were human, you spent almost all your time with vampires and werewolves, and you so rarely showed even an ounce of fear. Now, you're a newborn vampire, and you're afraid of Alice."

"Right, you'll protect me," I countered, heavy on the sarcasm. "I seem to remember; even _you_ couldn't beat Alice, during those training fights." That wiped the smug smile off Jasper's face... For a moment.

"You _really_ shouldn't have said that," he playfully growled, slipping into a crouch as he faced me. I didn't even try to defend myself, stunned as I was by the sudden, uncomfortable sense of déjà vu that hit me even harder than Jasper did. Just as he had, back in the meadow, Jasper pulled away from me as soon as he realized I'd shut down. "Bella?" His voice was concerned, but still sharp, demanding a response. I blinked a couple times and took an unneeded deep breath.

"It's nothing," I promptly lied, pushing myself back to my feet in about one-fifth of a second. Jasper hit me with a deliberately too strong wave of calm. "Fine," I growled, suddenly belligerent, "I was thinking of Edward. He said that same thing to me, before… He _did_ that same thing to me, before. The day he brought me to the house, for the first time, I told him he wasn't as scary as he thought he was, and he did _exactly _what you just did. He said, 'you _really_ shouldn't have said that,' and he sprang at me. And, as I was still human, then, he had me pinned just as easily…"

When Jasper didn't respond for a moment, I was able to calm down on my own, again, and I looked up at him to see his hands clenched into fists at his sides and his head hanging down. "I can't seem to do anything right with you, can I?" He murmured softly. "You show incredible control, on your first hunt, and I practically reprimand you for it. You end up consumed by grief for a week, and I barely make a dent in it. I try to bring you to a place where you can find solace, and it turns out to be a place of more grief. Twice, now, we've engaged in play fights, and you've completely shut down, both times…"

"Jasper, none of that is your fault," I said firmly. "I'm a mess, alright. I really wouldn't blame you if you _preferred_ dealing with normal newborns, instead of… Well, I'm really at a loss for a fitting name for me, right now… I was a crazy human, and I'm a freak show, as a vampire. Maybe that's what I carried over into this life. So far, I don't seem to be gifted in any other way… Except control, I guess. Is that it? Do you think my control could be some kind of supernatural talent? Not nearly as impressive as what you, Alice, and Edward can do… I mean, what Edward _could_ do, but…"

"It's difficult to say, Bella," Jasper responded thoughtfully. "I really don't know how to answer that. Carlisle will probably be interested in your theory, though… We probably should be getting back. We left everyone pretty abruptly, earlier. They will be worried about you. We need to clean up our mess, here, though." I had completely forgotten about the five dead elk lying motionless around us.

"What do we do with them?" I asked, looking down at my fallen prey. "Do we bury them?"

"Yes," Jasper said, smiling at my effort to understand. "Preferably where surrounding brush is dense; where there's no chance of human hikers finding them." I nodded my understanding, and Jasper and I went to work, carrying the amazingly lightweight carcasses of our kills into an area of thick flora and burying them in a matter of minutes. We still hadn't found my second missing shoe, by the time the job was done.

"Maybe one of the elk ate it, in revenge?" I grumbled. Jasper laughed.

"They're not as dumb as many humans think they are, but they aren't _that_ smart," he laughed. "Let's see…" I watched Jasper closely as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply a few times, clearly taking in all the surrounding scents. After a couple seconds, his eyes flashed open, again, and he darted off in the direction of the area where we'd first found the herd. I followed behind him, though I could have easily surpassed him with the sheer strength of my run. Not even a full minute passed before Jasper stopped and pointed up at an overhead tree branch. Somehow, my other shoe was dangling from the narrow tip of the branch.

"How did I manage that?" I laughed. Jasper burst into even louder laughter, seeing that I wouldn't take offense.

"No idea," he gasped between rounds of incredulous laughter. I growled in mock indignation and leapt up to snatch the dangling shoe from its branch. I slipped both of my shoes back on, noting that I didn't really need them. The rocky ground felt like velvet to my bare feet. It didn't bother me in the least. In fact, it felt liberating. Jasper seemed to sense that feeling in me. His laughter subsided and he smiled knowingly at me. Then, his eyes flickered over the rest of my frame. He bit back more laughter at whatever he saw.

"Maybe we should cover you up a little more," he said. "For Alice, at least," he added teasingly. I winced.

"That bad?" I asked. Jasper nodded and, in one fluid motion, he pulled off the long-sleeved shirt he wore over a sleeveless, brown button-down. He tossed the outer layer to me and I pulled it on quickly, grateful that I could no longer blush. I would be red as a traffic light, if that were possible, anymore. I couldn't help but inhale the scent of his shirt. I loved his scent, and it mixed with mine as I smelled it, now. When I looked back up at Jasper, he was rubbing his bare arms, seemingly subconsciously, as he watched me. I smiled at him and deliberately fingered the solitary scar on my hand. Jasper smiled faintly back at me.

"Six of mine," he sighed as he watched the line I traced on my own hand. I scowled indignantly at him. I still didn't agree with the result of that debate.

"Carlisle," I murmured, changing the subject. Jasper nodded.

"Alice is probably back, by now, too," he said. "Perhaps she'll have some idea of how that letter came to be. Do you remember how to get back?" Jasper prompted me. I took a moment to think and to find the oldest trail of our combined scents. I nodded once before I started running, careful to moderate my pace so Jasper didn't fall too far behind. We were home three minutes later. Everyone was waiting for us just inside, including Alice.

"Great job, Bella," Alice spoke first. "You did really well, for your first hunt." Clearly, she'd had a vision. I nodded and smiled half-heartedly at her, waiting for talk about Edward's letter to start. Alice seemed hesitant to make the first move into that subject, though. Esme ended up speaking first:

"Are you okay, Bella?" She asked, first, always looking out for her children. "Finding that letter must have been hard for you…"

"I'm doing better, now, Esme," I tried to reassure her. "Thank you. Jasper and I still haven't been able to make sense of it, though. Do any of you have an idea of how Edward might have…?" It was proving to be very difficult to voice my questions to my family. It was hard to believe I was actually talking about this… About Edward writing a letter to me when he's…dead. Jasper laid a hand on my shoulder and forced peace and contentment into me. I shook him off.

"Not now, Jasper," I said softly. "Thank you, but… I need to feel what I feel, right now. This is already too confusing. I need to, at least, control my own emotions for a while." Jasper simply nodded his understanding before turning to Alice.

"Did you see this happening?" He asked her. "Did you see him doing anything like this, before the newborns came?" Alice shook her head, her brow furrowed in frustration. She stared at Jasper for a moment, then she looked back at me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," she said. "There's nothing I can tell you. Not yet, at least."

"It's okay, Alice," I said. "I didn't really expect you to know anything…" Alice looked at me apologetically before her eyes glazed over. We all waited for her to come out of her vision. Her contrite smile turned to one of interest and excitement as we waited.

"Bella wants to talk about whether or not she has a special talent, Carlisle," Alice said as soon as her eyes refocused. "She came up with some interesting theories, while she and Jasper were hunting. Jasper can fill you in, though. Bella is _mine_, now." Something about the way Alice became notably more excited as she spoke those last words made me nervous. I instantly remembered Jasper's promise to protect me from the little pixie, and I came close to taking him up on it, even before she continued: "Just _look_ at how she's dressed! There's even a tear in that shirt Jasper gave her, to cover up with! The way she hunts, it's a good thing I just bought her more clothes. Even the load I bought, today, isn't going to be enough!"

Oh, no. Alice wanted to play Bella-Barbie. I quickly weighed my options: I could run away. For once, she wouldn't be able to catch me. I could try to fight her off. Not the best idea. Even Jasper couldn't beat her, with her visions helping her, and he was likely to _defend_ her if the newborn freak attacked her. I could take Jasper up on his offer to protect _me _from _her_, possibly getting help from Emmett, too. Wasn't he always up for little games, like this? My train of thought was cut off by the evil pixie's giggles.

"You do realize I just saw all those _decisions_ you were trying to make, don't you, Bella?" She laughed. Oops. Now I was in trouble. "Yes, technically you can run faster than me, now, but I can see wherever you choose to go. You're right, Jasper would help me if you tried to fight me off, and there's no way you'll win against both of us. As for what Jasper promised you… He'll stand down when I remind him that his torn shirt that you're wearing gives me an excuse to take _him _shopping, too." Alice looked at Jasper as she practically sang that little threat and he promptly took a step back from me. I glared at his retreating form.

"Sorry, Bella," he half-laughed.

"Coward," I grumbled. Jasper growled and Emmett laughed.

"Take that back," Jasper growled at me.

"Not a chance," I hissed back, shifting my weight slightly, so I was prepared if he pounced.

"Isn't twice enough for you two?" Alice whined, bouncing up and down impatiently.

"Twice?" Emmett prodded, instantly intrigued. "Bella's already tried fighting him, _twice_?"

"All in fun," Alice said when Carlisle and Esme suddenly looked worried, "but, yes."

"Aw, where's you brotherhood, Jasper?" Emmett groaned. "Share some of the fun. Let me have a go." That one caught me off guard. I instantly straightened up out of my crouch and looked over at Emmett. One look was enough to tell me he was completely serious. He really wanted to try fighting me. I looked back at Alice and she had a wide, smug grin spread across her face. I growled my resentment, but followed her obediently when she turned and pranced up the stairs to her room. Of course, she'd seen that coming. She was such a cheater.

I managed to keep my complaints down to a total of four, while Alice made me try on nine different outfits. I thought that ratio was acceptable. Once she was done throwing clothes at me, she dragged me into her bathroom to fix my hair. As windblown and tangled as it had been from hunting, trying on all the clothes had made an even bigger mess of it, and Alice wasn't having that. Mercifully, she only insisted on brushing all the knots out. She didn't even make me pin back the front pieces in a barrette, again. When I smiled gratefully at her, she winked at me and danced off to find Rosalie, saying something about nude lingerie and stilettos as she disappeared.

Unsure of what else to do, I made my way up to Edward's room… My room. For the first time since my change, a week ago, I wondered just what I was supposed to do with all the extra time I had, now… I didn't need sleep, I didn't need to eat often, I didn't need to use the bathroom, and, unless I was torn to pieces and burned, I would live forever… I couldn't even go kill time at school, because I'm supposed to be dead... And because I look so different and might try to eat the humans there… Carlisle and Esme had even pulled Alice out of Forks High, claiming they would home school her, allowing her to grieve for me and Edward in peace… Wait. How did I know that? Apparently, I did subconsciously retain bits and pieces of what was being said around me, during my week of silence.

The second I reached the door to my room, I stopped in my tracks. There was a piece of paper lying on the bed. As soon as I recovered from my brief fit of paralysis, I rushed over to the bed and grabbed the letter. It was incredible that my hands weren't shaking as I held the letter and read it:

_To my Bella,_

_I apologize for all the pain and confusion my first letter caused. Here, let me explain: I need you to move on, love. I don't want you suffering forever. Not over me. Even when life can go on forever, it is still precious. I didn't believe that, myself, before I met you, but I, now, know it to be true. And your life, my Bella, is the most precious of all. That life must not be spent in sadness and fear._

_This letter and the one before it are the first two in a series of letters you will receive from me. I'm not going to tell you how or when you will receive the others. They will come to you as they are needed. Just do this one thing for me, Bella: Do what I ask of you, and trust that it will all be for the better, in the end. I want you too heal, Bella, and I'm here to help you with that. Yes, my love, I am still with you._

_Now that you've hunted, I can give you your first tasks: First, do you remember the little favor I asked you to do for me, once you changed? Something to do with Emmett? Trust me. You can beat him. Secondly, do you remember the day you asked me to eat human food? Time for payback, love. Find some food in the kitchen to try. No, you aren't going to like it, but it really is something every vampire needs to try, once._

_Be well, my Bella. I will write to you again, soon. By the way, while I encourage you to share this letter with the rest of our family, as you did the first one, you might wish to keep some of my future letters to yourself. I may mention some personal things you do not want shared with the others. Whatever your decision, I'm sure they will understand and respect your wishes._

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

_P.S. I love you._

I should be shaking from head to toe. My heart should be pounding in my chest. I should be passing out. But I was fine. I was standing still and strong. My vision and my thoughts were clear. My breath was coming a little faster than normal, but even that change was almost indiscernible…

Did Edward really just ask me to arm wrestle Emmett and eat human food?

As if I was being pulled by some invisible force, I turned and began walking down to the living room, where I could hear everyone else talking. All conversation ceased when I appeared at the top of the stairs, still grasping Edward's letter. Six pairs of golden eyes flickered up to my face. Then, in almost perfect synchronicity, they all locked on the piece of paper in my hand. Everyone moved very fast, then.

I ended up at the bottom of the stairs, in Rosalie's arms, with Esme stroking my hair fretfully. Jasper was standing close by, too. I could feel the waves of calm he was projecting through the room. Carlisle was holding Edward's letter, and he quickly read it aloud to the room, while Alice stood beside him with her eyes closed and her brow furrowed in concentration. Emmett just looked like he wanted to hit something… Until Carlisle finished reading the letter. There was a brief, ringing silence. Then, Emmet practically doubled over with laughter. I'm pretty sure everyone else in the room was glaring at him, including Rosalie, but he didn't seem too bothered by that.

"He wants you to eat human food?" Emmett laughed, "And, what? Fight me? And he thinks you'll _win_?" Emmett was almost shaking with mirth, now. That did it.

"Not quite," I growled as menacingly as I could manage. Emmett abruptly stopped laughing and looked at me in surprise, as did everyone else. "He wanted me to arm wrestle you. And, as for the human food…" The idea came out of nowhere. But I absolutely _loved_ it. I shrugged off Rosalie and Esme and darted into the kitchen, quickly grabbing a bag of chips and two cans of soda before returning to the living room. I placed the food and drinks on the coffee table and smiled up at Emmett. "I could just try one chip and a sip of soda, for Edward, but… How about a little bet, Emmett?" Alice burst into a fit of giggles before Emmett could even respond. I grinned at her while Emmett glared at both of us.

"Just state your terms, _little sis_," Emmett challenged me, ignoring Alice. Not wise.

"Arm wrestling," I repeated. "You and me. If you win, I have to down half the bag of chips and one entire canof soda. If I win, I still have to try one chip and a sip of soda… But _you_ have to finish everything else on that table. The _entire_ bag of chips and _both_ cans of soda." Emmett's cocky grin disappeared and he eyed the food on the coffee table warily. Alice was trying to contain her giggles, at this point, but one quick look at Jasper told me it was quite a struggle. Alice's mood was obviously affecting him greatly. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, as he struggled to not laugh, himself. At least he was finally being affected by a _happy _emotion.

"Deal," Emmett suddenly spoke again, reclaiming my attention. That arrogant grin was back in place. Was _I _really so confident? I glanced at Emmett's thick arms and he flexed, noticing my hesitation.

"You're not gonna back out of your own bet are you, Bella?" He asked tauntingly. I thought of Edward and my confidence quickly returned.

"Just thinking of taking pity on you," I growled, glaring at up at Emmett, "that's all. So, where do we do this?"

"Right this way, _Tinker_bella," Emmett said, and he darted outside. _Tinkerbella_? Oh, now he was _really_ going to get it. I shot after him. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme all followed close behind. Alice and Jasper were both snickering in anticipation. When Emmet stopped beside a huge boulder outside with a relatively flat top, I turned around to look at them. Alice was nodded in encouragement and Jasper winked at me.

"Newborn strength," he murmured almost inaudibly. Emmett wouldn't be able to hear him. "This isn't the same as real fighting. He doesn't stand a chance." I grinned at Jasper's reassurance, and he and Alice positively beamed back, clearly glad to see me genuinely happy about something. Carlisle and Esme both wore similar expressions. Rosalie was looking at Emmett, shaking her head in disbelief. That stroked my confidence even more. She seemed to believe Emmett was doomed, too. I skipped across the few yards between me and Emmett, completely free of doubt.

Emmett placed his elbow on the massive boulder and opened his hand for me. I grabbed his big hand without a millisecond of hesitation and started counting it off: "One, two…"

"Three," Emmett grunted and he pushed against my hand.

Nothing. Sure, I could feel the force he was exerting against me. He could probably throw Tyler Crowley's old van over the house with equal or less strength, but my hand didn't budge. I just stood there for a moment, enjoying watching him struggle. After a couple seconds, he leaned his entire body into his arm, trying to move mine. Nothing at all. Finally, I flexed and Emmett lost an inch. A feral growl ripped from his chest and I heard his teeth grinding together as he pushed against my hand with all his might. Not enough. After another couple seconds, I started to get bored. I grinned smugly at him and he growled even louder. Then, I pounded his hand into the boulder so hard it burst into gravel… The boulder, of course, not his hand. Though, judging from the look on his face, he might have actually preferred the latter.

Rosalie was still shaking her head. Alice and Jasper were almost doubled over with suppressed laughter. Even Carlisle and Esme had their lips pressed tightly shut. Rosalie turned and ran inside the house, reappearing less than a second later with the bag of chips and the two cans of soda. Emmett looked at her like she had sprouted fangs… Bad joke, but still true. Rosalie smiled at him and shook her head once more, completely incredulous.

"A deal's a deal," she sighed. "You really stuck your head in it this time, Emmett. Did everything Jasper taught us really go in one ear and out the other that quickly? Skill beats strength, when fighting newborns, but take away the need for skill… Really, Emmett, the wolves probably learned more from all that than you did. Here you go, Bella," Rosalie said and she opened the bag of chips and handed one to me. I cringed at the smell, alone, but I felt so much better knowing that, whatever I was about to experience, Emmett had it _much_ worse.

I tossed the chip in my mouth and chewed quickly, barely resisting the urge to spit out the foul-tasting human snack, and I swallowed within the same second. "Bah!" I gagged. "Edward told me it was like a human eating dirt!" I grumbled. "I _did_ eat dirt, once, as a human. This is _worse_!" Rosalie laughed and handed me one of the cans of soda. I grudgingly opened it, careful to check my strength and not crush the can… Not that part of me didn't want to. But that would deprive Emmett of the treat. I took one quick sip of the soda and made myself swallow. It tasted like tar. Still, I couldn't help but smile when Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper applauded my discipline. My smile grew wider when I looked back at Emmet. He wasn't smiling.

"Bottoms up, _big brother_," I said, handing him the soda can. I quickly pulled my hand back as soon as he took the can, just in case he decided to take a vengeful snap at me. He growled at me once more before he went to work. I went to join Alice and Jasper, and the three of us howled in unrestrained laughter as Emmett chugged both cans of soda and ate all the chips, all with a priceless look of disgust on his face. As soon as he was done, he advanced on me.

"Rematch. Tomorrow." He growled when he was a foot away.

"Emmett! Are you _really_ that dense?" Rosalie screeched incredulously. "It's not going to wear off that fast! It will be months before her newborn strength tapers off!" Jasper nodded in agreement when Emmett looked at him.

"A real fight, then," Emmett grumbled after a moment of thought. If it were possible, I would have blanched.

"No way!" I protested. "I _did _listen to Jasper, even when I was human and half-asleep! I'm not agreeing to a fight when I know it will be a massacre!"

"What about all your newborn strength, Tinkerbella?" Emmett taunted. "I'll only beat you worse, when it's gone."

"Lay off, Emmett," Jasper suddenly growled. I looked up at him and blinked. The way he was glaring at Emmett… He really looked like a vampire. "Bella doesn't handle fighting well. She and I went a couple rounds. She even initiated it, the first time, but something goes wrong and she shuts down. _Don't push her_." Jasper's tone was so menacing as he spoke those last words; I almost cringed away from him, myself. He laid a protective hand on my shoulder, though, and Alice came up to my other side, grabbing my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. Emmett promptly looked thoroughly guilty and contrite, all signs of teasing gone.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said in a tone that was almost pleading. It sounded strange, coming from him. "I didn't know. I'm really sorry. Forgive me, little sis?"

"It's okay, Emmett," I said sincerely. "Of course, I forgive you. I know you would never really hurt me." Emmett smiled warmly at me before looking back up at Jasper.

"Sorry, Jazz." He said. Jasper nodded and relaxed, obviously feeling the sincerity coming from both me and Emmett. There was a brief silence, and then Emmett chuckled.

"Well, crap," he said, smiling at me. "The first time you're really happy in a week, and _I'm_ the one to ruin it." Good point. I couldn't help but laugh at that. Everyone else chuckled softly, too. Jasper sent out a wave of calm, and everyone laughed a little more freely as the tension dissipated. I breathed in the peace and happiness in the air and I let my thoughts drift to Edward:

Edward really was going to help me. He'd already given me this wonderful moment of contentment. He's already given our family one precious moment of joy and excitement. I still didn't understand how he was writing to me, and that still disturbed me a little, and yet… I couldn't wait for the next letter to come.


	5. Humans

**P. S. I Love You**

**Chapter 5: Humans**

_My Beautiful Bella,_

_I hope you are beginning to feel a little more comfortable in your new life, by now. Your eyes should be gold, soon. I must warn you, though: The gold in your eyes will never outshine that of your heart._

_About the deal you made with Jasper, to work on your thirst, together: You should be ready to reenter the human world, now. Obviously, you can't be seen by humans in Forks. They all believe you are dead. Try taking a trip to Seattle. Take Jasper and Alice with you, but keep your company to a minimum. The point of this exercise is to prove that you don't need our entire family there, to hold you back. You don't need such restraint. You were always so strong, my Bella, and you still are. You will be fine._

_After your first outing with Alice and Jasper, I want you to take another trip with Rosalie. Yes, Rosalie. Recent events may have brought the two of you closer, but you two can still do better. Take her to Port Angeles. You will know what to do, from there._

_You must make both of these trips soon, Bella. Again, I assure you, you will be okay. Trust in that. Trust yourself. From the moment you met me, you trusted me, but I took so long to trust myself with you. Don't make my mistakes, Bella. You were never afraid of me. Don't be afraid of yourself._

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

_P.S. I love you._

A week passed, after my first hunt, before Edward's third letter came. Finding it lying on my bed, just as I'd found the first two, was such a relief. The first two letters had come within twenty-four hours of each other, after all. This one had been much longer, in coming.

Edward was right, of course: My eyes were light amber, now. They would be gold in another two weeks, according to Carlisle's new estimate. Not consuming any blood at all for my first week had jump-started the color change, and I was still progressing faster than normal: About seventy percent faster, according to Carlisle.

Was I really ready to be so close to humans, though? I had to trust that I was. It was what Edward wanted. Now, I just had to convey his wishes to the others. There was nothing especially personal about this letter, so I could just pass it along.

"Jasper? Alice? Rosalie?" I called as I walked toward Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom. Rosalie was inside. She opened the door, when I called, and she looked at me quizzically. Again, Edward was right: Rosalie and I were on much better terms than we were, when I was human, but our relationship was still awkward. Rosalie was always walking on eggshells, around me, trying to make up for how she treated me, before. I didn't really know how to interact with her. We knew so little about each other, because of our previous distance, and it left our relationship a little shallow and strained.

"What is it, Bella?" Rosalie asked me, but her eyes fell on the letter on my hand as she spoke. "Oh." She said, and she bit her full lower lip lightly.

"Another letter from Edward?" Alice asked as she and Jasper came up behind me. "If you're sharing it, why did you only call us?"

"You, Jasper, and Rosalie are mentioned," I answered Alice and handed her the letter. Jasper read it over her shoulder and Alice handed the letter to Rosalie, when they were done.

"Do you think you're ready, Bella?" Jasper asked me as Rosalie read the letter, his tone grave. "You've only hunted three times, since your change, and you've only smelled a human once. It's true, you resisted the temptation of the scent remarkably well, but the scent was all you encountered. Seeing humans up close takes an entirely different kind of restraint, Bella. Even if you hold your breath, you can _see_ the blood in their veins and you can _hear_ their heart pumping the blood through them. If their heart rate increases, for whatever reason, or if they blush, it's even more difficult. Honestly, Bella, you and your blushes were torturous, at times. If you believe you're ready, we'll go, but…" Jasper let his voice trail off implicitly, sparing me any more vivid descriptions, but letting my imagination do its own work.

"I think I'll be okay," I answered feebly. I was already nervous, and Jasper's words made me even more wary. I couldn't stay in my little cocoon forever, though. Knowing that strengthened my resolve, and I nodded. "Edward's right. I need to go. I'll be fine."

"Yes, you will," Alice said with confidence.

"Vision?" I asked her. She nodded and smiled encouragingly at me. "We can go now, if you want?"

"Okay," I agreed. "What are we going to do, in Seattle?" Edward only gave a location, not an activity. Considering I was going with Alice, though…

"Shopping," Alice chirped. Jasper and I both groaned. "None of that," Alice said to both of us. "Edward's orders."

"He did _not_ mention shopping," Jasper argued.

"He mentioned _me_ and _Seattle_," Alice retorted exasperatedly. Jasper raised his eyebrows at me, as if to say 'good point'. I had to agree.

"Fine, Alice." I said, "Shopping, but…"

"What?" Alice asked sharply, daring me to try my own argument on her.

"What am I going to wear?" I asked her. "I can't go shopping in _this_, can I?" I was wearing a perfectly respectable skirt and sweater, but I forced mock distaste into my tone. Alice beamed at me and darted off to search out more appropriate attire. Jasper chuckled softly.

"If she tries to force you into stilettos and a miniskirt, remember you asked for it," he said with a smirk. I smiled back and he looked down at his own attire. He was wearing milky white button-down and faded jeans. "Do you think she'll let me out of the house, like this?" He asked both me and Rosalie.

"Haven't you worn those jeans four times, by now?" Rosalie asked him. Uh-oh.

"The jeans have to go, then," I said. Even I knew Alice's 'three wears and it's out' rule. "You haven't worn those charcoal corduroys she bought for you, a week ago, have you?"

"No, not yet," Jasper laughed. "Good idea, Bella." Jasper started to leave, so he could change clothes, but he stopped at the top of the stairs and looked back at me with a warm smile.

"Edward's right about your heart," he said. "This will be good for you and me, and Alice hasn't been this excited in a while. You're making her so happy." Jasper was gone before I could make any kind of reply, not that I knew what to say to that.

"Bella?" I turned back around to face Rosalie when she spoke. "If you're going with Alice and Jasper, tonight, when are you and I going to…?" Rosalie seemed to be struggling with the concept of her and I going out together. The idea was very strange to me, too, but I had to trust Edward.

"Maybe we could go tomorrow," I said. "Um… I'm guessing I'll probably need to hunt, after tonight…"

"Probably," Rosalie agreed. "Even if control isn't an issue, being around humans makes all of us thirsty faster than when we stay isolated. Might as well make it a good hunt, too, if you and I are going out…"

"Jasper, Alice, and I can go farther out to hunt, then," I said. "After we're done in Seattle, maybe we can go somewhere where I can find a lion or a grizzly…"

"Good idea," Rosalie said. "I'll hunt while you're out, and…"

"We'll go to Port Angeles at about this same time, tomorrow?"

"Sure," Rosalie agreed. Mercifully, Alice chose that moment to reappear and drag me off to her room. Letting Alice treat me like a semi-living doll was a little uncomfortable, but trying to carry on a conversation with Rosalie was worse.

A couple minutes later, Alice had me in a white blouse with a delicate floral print, a knee-length khaki skirt, and brown boots with a surprisingly short heel. I had been prepared for sequins and stilettos. This outfit shocked me. Alice surprised me even further by leaving my hair alone. She just brushed it out and let it hang loose.

"Um… Alice…?" I found myself speaking to her very softly and slowly. If something was wrong with her, I didn't want to startle her. She darted off without a word, though. She ran into her closet room, and that was one place I dared not follow her. I just waited for her to come back out. She reemerged a minute later, wearing a red halter top, black jeans, and red pumps. She smiled at me and I blinked at her, confused. Her grin widened and she shrugged her narrow shoulders.

"I just wanted to try a new look on you," she explained. "A country look, like this, looks pretty on you. Jasper's going to love it. The yellow floral print tones down the amber color of your eyes, too. They look a little more golden. See for yourself." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me over to her full-length mirror, pointing eagerly at my reflection.

The flowers definitely did bring out the gold in my eyes. That was a relief. I'd been worried that my amber eyes were still a little too conspicuous for humans to see. This outfit, though… It made me think of rolling pastures and grazing cattle, or walking through fields of wildflowers and listening to summer cicadas. It really was pretty.

"Jasper's waiting in the garage," Alice announced, breaking me out of my brief reverie. "We're taking the Porsche." I nodded mutely and followed Alice out of the room, feeling what I could only describe as the vampire equivalent of butterflies in my stomach. Jasper noticed right away.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Bella?" He asked me when Alice and I entered the garage. "If you don't feel ready, we don't have to go."

I honestly didn't know why I was so nervous. I really did believe I could control myself, but…

"Bella, Bella, stop," Jasper threw a wave of calm at me as he spoke. "What's wrong? You just went from anxious to grieving in less than a second… Bella?" Jasper stepped closer to me and laid a hand on my shoulder. When his influence on me increased, I noticed Alice was holding my hand and shaking me lightly. With Jasper's help, I fought to get a hold of myself.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," I apologized immediately. "I… I only just realized what's wrong, myself… I'm sorry."

"It's Edward, isn't it?" Alice asked me. I almost laughed. There was no way she could have seen that, but she was still so perceptive. I nodded.

"I always thought he would be here for this," I told Alice and Jasper. "He was so determined to protect me from becoming a monster… To help me… And I wish he was here… I want him here. Of all the things I've done, since my change, this is so much more important. I'm rejoining the human world, tonight, and I'm doing it without him… It just feels wrong."

"There is nothing wrong with moving on, Bella," Alice reassured me vehemently. "It's what Edward would want you to do. Jasper and I will be with you, Bella. You are ready for this, and we'll help you through it. You'll be okay, Bella. You still have us." I nodded and checked my strength before hugging Alice. Jasper hugged me lightly as soon as I released her.

"I'll always be here for you, Bella," he said soothingly. When I couldn't bring myself to respond, Jasper helped me into the Alice's Porsche. Alice slid into the back seat with me and Jasper started to drive. It was when he pulled out of the garage that I noticed the slivery glow in the sky… It was twilight.

"The safest time for us," I murmured to myself. "The easiest time." Alice scooted closer to me and I rested my head lightly on her shoulder. Twilight or not, this was going to be difficult.

It only took us a few minutes to drive to Seattle. The thought of a vampire driving me anywhere used to make me nervous, because they drove so ridiculously fast, but that kind of speed seemed perfectly natural to me, now. I wasn't bothered one bit by Jasper's driving. In fact, it made me curious to try driving, myself.

"You can drive back, Bella," Jasper said, sensing my interest. He grinned at me as we got out of the car. Alice seemed to be struggling not to laugh. I was about to growl at them, but I stifled the sound when I heard other voices… Humans.

"Oh, come _on_," one man groaned. "Awesome ride _and_ two hot chicks?!"

"Lucky bastard," his friend grumbled.

I wasn't supposed to be able to hear either of them, of course. The two men were several yards away and talking relatively quietly as they approached. Even from this distance, I could not only hear them, but I could see them quite clearly. One of them was about Jasper's height, but very thin and gangly. He had short chestnut hair and brown eyes. His friend was about five inches shorter with an average build. He had wavy auburn hair and green eyes. Then, there was the scent…

My throat burned and ached with thirst at the smell wafting off them, but I didn't hold my breath, this time. The tall man smelled like… Cotton? No. Silk, maybe. And… Chocolate? The man with auburn hair was easier… Rum and… Custard?

"Are you okay, Bella?" Jasper murmured to me, barely moving his lips. I nodded.

"Can you tell what they smell like, Bella?" Alice whispered, "Specifically?"

"At first, I got cotton from the lanky one," I quickly whispered my reply, "but then I decided it was more like silk and chocolate. The shorter one smells like rum, to me, and… Is that custard?" Alice didn't answer me right away.

"Jasper?" She prompted, instead. "What about you?"

"I wasn't picking up anything quite so specific," Jasper murmured in a somewhat dejected tone. "The taller one definitely smells like some sort of fabric, and I noticed the rum smell of the other one… None of the rest, though."

"That's still good, for you, Jasper," Alice whispered affectionately. "Nice try. Bella, you came very close. The thin man smells like satin and hot cacao, and his friend smells like rum and flan. How's your thirst, Bella?"

"It's hurting, but I'm okay," I whispered back. Alice beamed at me and Jasper smiled faintly. Our entire conversation only took eight seconds. The men were still about seven yards away. I could hear their heartbeats, now. Six yards. I could hear the blood flowing in their veins, and I could see the tempting red in their cheeks. Five yards. I could hear their individual breathing and I could clearly see their more prominent veins in their hands and at their pulse points. Jasper moved a little closer to me and casually positioned himself between me and the approaching men. Four yards. They spoke again:

"Hey, man, nice ride!" The thin human called out to Jasper as they moved still closer. "That baby's gotta corner like it's on rails!"

"You have no idea," Jasper laughed amicably. Oh, no. Interaction? How was I supposed to act? Would my interpretation of 'normal' seem off to these humans? I quickly scanned through my human memories and found one memory, in particular: The day I figured out the Cullens _weren't_ human: They moved too fast and too gracefully, they were impossibly strong, they never ate, they spoke like they were from a different time, their eyes changed color, and their skin was ice cold and hard as stone. So…

"Don't make any abrupt movements," Alice whispered in my ear while Jasper continued his conversation with the humans. "Don't speak too fast, either, unless it's fast enough that they won't notice it at all. If you move, walk slowly and let your feet shuffle a little. Try to avoid touching them at all, if you can. You seem to be okay with breathing, so just keep it up. Don't stand still too long, and make sure you blink every once in a while. Humans fidget a lot, so touch your hair or fiddle with your jewelry, things like that…" Alice kept her face turned to me and she closed her eyes for two seconds. When her eyes reopened, she smiled at me. "You'll be fine. You're doing great, Bella!"

When Alice and I looked turned back to the humans, the thin man was still admiring the Porsche. Jasper was still keeping him busy, but the green-eyed man was looking at me and Alice. He smiled at me when our eyes met and he walked a little closer.

"So, what brings you three out here, tonight?" He asked me. Alice answered that one, though:

"Just came down to do a little shopping," she said brightly. "What about you…?"

"Jeffery," the man introduced himself, at the prompt. "We're locals, actually. Dean, over there, and I are roommates. We're renting a loft a few blocks from here. Where are you coming from?"

"Bellingham," Alice lied smoothly.

"Oh, up near the border?" Jeffery sounded surprised. "I wouldn't have pegged you guys for small-towners…"

"Well, don't let the car fool you," I decided to attempt a joke. It came out fairly well, I thought. My bell-like voice was unmaskable, but I sounded casual enough. Jeffery laughed a little and Alice smiled at me in encouragement. I shot a quick glance at Jasper and he nodded once, in approval.

"No, it's not just the car," Jeffery said. His voice sounded a little shaky. I looked at him, surprised, and I was instantly able to see the problem: Me. It wasn't something I was really at fault for, though. I could tell by Jeffery's fluttering heart rate and slightly flushed cheeks that he was nervous. It made me think of how boys always reacted to Rosalie and Alice. It was strange to think that I could provoke the same reaction, now. I wasn't used to being so beautiful to others. I felt a gentle wave of calm wash around us as Jasper tried to subtly soothe the man… _Both _men, I realized. The thin one, Dean, was no longer looking at the car. His eyes were on me and Alice, too.

"I-I mean, don't take this the wrong way," Jeffery spluttered, "but you're so… Um…" Beautiful. I already knew what he was trying to say: Being so beautiful, we must be a little high maintenance and unsuited to small-town life.

"Oh, this?" I asked casually, gesturing to my appearance. "We just had a salon day, today. We just got back from a camping trip, and we wanted to freshen up." Jeffery's jaw dropped, but he seemed to believe me. Lying was much easier, as a vampire. I didn't have to worry about blushing or stuttering and giving myself away.

"Camping?" Dean recovered before Jeffery. "All three of you… Together?"

"Oh, God, I'm slow…" Jeffery murmured, shaking his head as he fought to regain mental clarity. The movement threw his scent all around us and the burn in my throat flared. "You_ did_ say you _all_ lived in Bellingham… You're all related?" He was looking at me, but I couldn't answer. I was holding my breath. Alice and Jasper caught on, immediately.

"Yes, and we're supposed to be home in a few hours," Jasper answered. He walked over to me just slightly too fast and grabbed my hand, gripping it tightly. "We really should be going, if we're going to have much time to shop," he said to Alice. Then, he turned back to the Jeffery and Dean. "Sorry to run off so quickly," he apologized. "We don't get the chance to come down here very often, though. It was nice talking to you, but I'm afraid we must be going."

"Uh… Yeah. Sure… Sorry to hold you up… Have a nice night…" Jeffery and Dean both garbled out several responses. I knew without looking back up at them that Jasper had probably just dazzled them. I would have to learn how to do that, soon. Now wasn't the time, though. Jasper started walking down the street, away from the two men. He tugged me along with him, not releasing my hand. Alice followed behind us, putting one more obstacle between the thirsty newborn and the unsuspecting humans.

"Breathe, Bella," Jasper ordered, after a minute of struggling to walk at human pace. "The air is clean, here. Their scent is behind us." I inhaled obediently, gratefully taking in the fresh air. The burn in my throat subsided slightly and I stopped walking. Jasper allowed the pause and stopped, too, though he did not release my hand.

"I wasn't going to hurt them," I whispered. "I really wasn't…"

"No, you weren't, Bella," Alice agreed. "I saw it. You were in control, but it was still better to play it safe. You did incredibly well, Bella. Most vampires find it impossible to get that close to humans, at all, without feeding. You're still a newborn, too, and you were _interacting_ with them, Bella. You did beautifully. Don't let the fact that you were tempted make you feel guilty."

"It's natural, Bella," Jasper said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. "It's the resisting that's unnatural, but that's our chosen lifestyle. Don't be ashamed of your natural reactions. They can't be helped. At best, they can only be ignored."

"Thanks, Jasper, Alice," I said. "Are we still supposed to go shopping?" I asked Alice. "Or was that, back there, enough? I mean… What did Edward really want me to do…?"

"I'm sure the main point was to test your control around humans," Alice answered. "Going shopping for a while would test your limits a little more… More humans, more scents… But it's really your choice, Bella. If you would rather leave, we can just go hunting, now." Jasper nodded in agreement.

"I'm supposed to go to Port Angeles, tomorrow, with Rosalie," I thought aloud. "Do you think I have enough control for that?" Though Alice was the one who could see the future, I looked up at Jasper. For a brief moment, he looked at me appraisingly, but then a warm smile spread across his face.

"Yes, I think so," he said. I was a little surprised by his answer. He frowned, again, when he felt my reaction.

"I hate that you still believe I'm judging you, that way, Bella," he sighed. "It's my own fault, of course. Even when you were still human, I made that petty bet with Emmett about how much you would struggle, as a newborn. We both called off that bet, by the way, but there should not have been such a bet, to begin with… I'm sorry, Bella. I _do_ believe you can control yourself. I _do_ believe it's safe for you to be around humans, now. I believe it with all my heart."

"Thanks, Jasper," I responded, "but there's really nothing to apologize for. I wasn't offended by your… Assumptions. You were drawing from _a lot_ of experience with newborns. I mean, that fight could have gone a lot worse, without all your help. If anyone else in our family had been hurt, or if any of the wolves had been killed…" Though I tried to hold it in, a small sob still escaped my composure. Jasper reflexively threw a wave of calm at me. A look at Alice told me she was trying to see something specific: Her eyes were unfocused and she had a slightly frustrated look on her face. I turned back to Jasper. I opened my mouth to speak, again, but his finger on my mouth stopped me.

"There's no need, Bella," he said. "I can feel what you're feeling: Your respect, your gratitude… Thank you." I nodded once and Jasper dropped his hand. Alice found what she was looking for, then:

"Yay! We're still going shopping!" She cheered, and she bounced forward to hug me. "Thank you, Bella! This is going to be fun. Don't worry. Just relax, and you'll do fine."

"Only a couple stores, Alice," I warned. "Then, we're going hunting… I need it."

"I know, I know," Alice spoke impatiently, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "One of my favorite boutiques is closing in an hour. Let's go!" Alice looked up and down the street, to make sure it was clear of humans, before darting off at vampire speed. Jasper and I both laughed.

"That vision was abrupt," Jasper commented lowly to me. "What was it that made your decision?"

"Thinking about who else I could have lost," I answered simply. "You know that saying, 'you don't know what you have until you lose it'?" Jasper nodded. "It's not true."

"No, it's not." Jasper agreed. Then, he took my hand and pulled me forward, and we started running after Alice.


	6. Strong Enough

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 6: Strong Enough**

**A/N: Theme song for this chapter: "Blackbird" by the Beatles, though I think the version by Carly Smithson is a little more fitting. Enjoy, and please leave a review!**

Jasper and Alice were still laughing in the back seat when I pulled into the massive Cullen garage. As promised, they'd let me drive us home from our shopping and hunting trip. I loved every second of it. I had a whole new appreciation for Alice's agile Porsche. The speed and easy handling of the car really was impressive. I found myself looking at the other cars in the garage in a whole new light. I was sure I would never be a real car connoisseur, by any means, but I felt some of my old aversion to the speedy vehicles around me dissipating. In fact… That motorcycle Edward ended up giving to Jasper, a few months ago, absolutely begged to be ridden. I would have to ask Jasper about that, later.

A familiar booming laugh rang through the garage as Jasper, Alice, and I climbed out of the car. Emmett was just walking in with Rosalie a few steps behind him. Rosalie was laughing softly, too. I didn't need to ask what they were laughing at. For one thing, my sudden acceptance of high-speed driving was hilarious to the rest of my family. Jasper and Alice had already explained that much to me, during the ride back. Then, there was the obvious:

I was wearing one sleeve of the blouse Alice had dressed me in as a scarf. The rest of the delicate floral blouse had not survived my wrestling match with a grizzly bear, nor had the skirt I'd been wearing. I was wearing a brand new pair of fitted jeans and a flowy yellow camisole. My boots were still intact, if a little muddy. There were no bloodstains on them, so I'd insisted on wearing them home. I liked them.

"So, did a herd of elk destroy your clothes, again?" Emmett laughed. Rosalie slapped his arm and I laughed, too.

"Nope. A grizzly," I responded. "Nice and irritable… Obviously." Emmett laughed even harder.

"Way to go, Tinkerbella!" He laughed, "You bagged your first bear!"

"Stop calling me Tinkerbella!" I growled back.

"Gonna beat me at another arm-wrestling match, if I don't?" Emmett teased through his continuing laughter. Rosalie started to slap him, again, but she froze when she heard my response:

"Actually, I'm not sure I can." Emmett stopped laughing.

"What are you talking about, Bella?" Jasper asked me. "Of course you can still beat him. It's only been a week, since the first time. Your strength will taper off, but not that quickly."

"Are you really so sure?" I asked him. He, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie all wore the same confused expression. "I was thinking, while we were hunting…" I explained. "Before the fight with the newborns, I remember Edward explaining to me that consuming human blood makes vampires physically stronger than consuming animal blood does… That's why newborns are so strong. They're full of their own blood, right after their change. So, can't you measure a newborn's strength by the color of their eyes?" Watching everyone's faces, I could tell they were beginning to understand what I was thinking. Jasper nodded thoughtfully.

"For the most part, yes," he answered. "Most of a newborn's strength tapers off within about six months, bottoming out after a year. The brightness of their eye color does help gauge the rate of depletion, to an extent: If all but the edges of their irises go black when they're thirsty, that means they've burned through all of their own blood, and they've lost their initial strength… I can see where you're going with this, Bella." Jasper confirmed my assumption. "Abstaining from human blood and feeding on animals makes our eyes change from red to gold faster, and your eyes are nearly gold, now… You're only a couple weeks old, but you didn't feed at all for your entire first week, and you haven't consumed one drop of human blood…"

"I know you've never seen a case like mine, Jasper, but doesn't it make sense?" I prodded. "My eyes have been changing faster because I'm using up all my human blood faster. All that human blood is what made me so strong, but…"

"It's almost gone," Jasper murmured. He was staring at me calculatingly, clearly deep in thought. Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett were silent. I tried to listen for Carlisle and Esme. I couldn't hear any kind of movement coming from the house.

"Are Carlisle and Esme here?" I asked Emmett and Rosalie.

"We're here, Bella," Esme's voice called from the house. I heard her start to run and I could hear Carlisle follow close behind her. They appeared beside Emmett and Rosalie less than two seconds later. "We were listening." Esme explained. I nodded, looking at Carlisle.

"I'm not going to stay strong much longer, am I?" I asked softly.

"You will still be strong, Bella," Carlisle corrected. "Don't think of it that way, but… You might not retain your newborn strength as long as is normal, no. You're theory does make perfect sense. It's unusual, but completely logical. I suppose…" Carlisle hesitated for a moment and he glanced at Jasper before looking back at me: "We could test it?"

"Arm wrestling is a go, then?" Emmett asked eagerly, already recovered from his brief fit of confusion.

"If Bella is willing, yes," Carlisle answered.

"But no bets on the results, Emmett," Esme interjected. Emmett's grin faltered slightly, but held its place. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Okay, Emmett, let's go." Emmett was already out the door by the time I finished speaking. I ran out after him and heard everyone else following behind me. That gave me another idea for a test. "Wait just a minute, Emmett," I called out to him. "Someone race me down the driveway and back," I called over my shoulder and I changed my course, taking off running down the long driveway. I heard someone follow and I checked the air for their scent: Sunlight, cotton, and granite: Carlisle. With Edward gone, Carlisle was the fastest runner in the family. Jasper was a close second. I pushed myself as hard as I could to stay ahead of Carlisle.… But I could hear him gaining on me.

"It's okay, Bella," Carlisle encouraged from a very short distance behind me. "Just go as fast as you can. Keep going." I heard Carlisle pick up his pace slightly and that disturbed me even more.

"Are you running as fast as _you_ can?" I called back to him. "Don't throw this race to make me feel better, Carlisle. Please." A couple strides later, Carlisle was running level with me.

"I am, now," he said softly. I nodded and kept running as hard as my legs would carry me. Carlisle never passed me, but I wasn't able to move ahead of him, again. He and I stayed even all the way down the driveway and back up to the house. None of the others seemed to know how to react, when we returned to them: Esme was wringing her hands fretfully. Rosalie looked a little disturbed. Emmett seemed to be sizing me up, probably still thinking about arm wrestling. Jasper and Alice both wore unreadable expressions. I didn't look up at to see Carlisle's reaction.

"Okay, Emmett," I said as I stepped around Esme and approached what was left of the boulder we'd used, before. I planted my elbow on the boulder opened my hand to him. "Don't hold back." Emmett nodded mutely and took my hand, planting his elbow three inches from mine.

"One, two…" Emmett started counting it off, but he hesitated. I gripped his hand a little tighter and looked him squarely in the eye. He nodded, again. "Three."

I lost an inch right away. I pushed back against Emmett's hand as hard as I could, but I felt the pressure he was exerting lessening. "Stop it, Emmett," I growled. "I already lost an inch! Don't throw the match, now!" It was a slow death, after that. I was strong enough that he was unable to pound my hand to the rock quickly, but I had no chance of winning. I focused all my strength on keeping my hand elevated, but, after nine agonizingly long seconds, it touched down.

Everyone around me was silent, including Emmett. He let go of my hand and waited for my reaction… But I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to say. So, for one moment, I tried to give over to my most basic instincts. I tried to let myself act like a normal newborn… And nothing. I wasn't a normal newborn. My newborn strength was already declining rapidly. I was able to control myself around humans. I wasn't normal… So I had to fake it. I launched myself at Emmett and had him pinned in less than a second. That wouldn't do.

"Would you fight back, already!" I growled impatiently. "I may not be a normal newborn, but you could, at least, act normal! Act like Emmett! Laugh at me for acting so ridiculous! Tease me about it! Gloat about beating me! _Fight back_!"

"Bella," Jasper warned, but I ignored him. I was waiting on Emmett. I continued to stare him down and I didn't have to wait long. Emmett rolled and threw me off him. I flipped and landed on my feet, crouched to spring. Emmett sank into a defensive crouch in response and grinned smugly at me. I let loose a growl and pounced. Emmett dodged me easily, and that's when the fight really started.

Though my body wanted to fight on instinct, my mind had other plans. A muddy human memory filled my thoughts: I saw Jasper teaching everyone how to fight Victoria's newborn army. Remembering those fights as I saw them through human eyes, most of the fights were, literally, a blur. When Jasper slowed down, though, and gave deliberate instruction…

"The two most important things you need to remember are, first, don't let them get their arms around you and, second, don't go for the obvious kill. That's all they'll be prepared for." I was aware of Jasper silently watching me, yet I could hear his voice in my head. It reminded me of when I hallucinated Edward's voice, as a human: "As long as you come at them from the side and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively. Emmett?" Right on cue, Emmett turned and lunged at me from the side… And he missed. I ducked under him and grabbed him from behind, when he landed. I threw him into the arm-wrestling boulder and destroyed what was left of it.

There was a stunned silence. Emmett stood up and stared at me, looking very perplexed.

"'As long as you come at them from the side and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively'," I quoted to them. "I remember Jasper's instruction. You all moved too fast for my eyes to follow, then, but I was still paying attention. I expected Emmett to come at me from the side, so I _could_ respond effectively." There was another beat of silence, and then everyone was laughing.

"You'd better be careful, Emmett," Jasper laughed, sounding both incredulous and a little smug. "You're only slightly stronger than she is, and I taught her to fight without even realizing it!"

"You said she had trouble fighting!" Emmett growled back at him. "Doesn't seem like she's shutting down, to me!"

"Don't ask me," Jasper laughed, again, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "Apparently, she's over that. Well done, Bella," he said to me. "Maria would be envious of such a quick-study newborn." Jasper smiled proudly at me and I couldn't help but smile back. That's when Emmett growled, again. This time, I wasn't fast enough to dodge him.

Emmett and I both hit the ground. His arms were locked around me from the side, pinning my arms to my body as I tried to wrestle out of his grip. I broke free briefly and rolled, but Emmett tackled me again. He ended up on top of me, pinning my arms down. He was positioned high up, though, giving me nearly full range of motion from the waist down. I swung my legs up and locked my ankles in front of his neck. Then, I contracted my abs tightly and forced my legs back down, knocking him backward and cracking the back of his head against the ground. That move would have severely injured a human, but Emmett just growled and pushed against my legs until he was untangled. We both sprang to our feet. Emmett was grinning even as he growled, again. He was having fun. "Now you're acting like the Emmett I know," I said, grinning back at him.

"Right, the big oaf who can't even keep his little sister pinned," Jasper taunted. Emmett growled and turned on Jasper. Jasper was ready for him. He turned and darted toward the river. Emmett hurtled after him, leaving me, Alice, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle to laugh at their little game. We sobered up quickly, though.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Esme asked me and I knew she wasn't asking if I was physically hurt.

"I don't know how I feel about it," I answered honestly. "My strength is, obviously, declining rapidly, but my eyes are lightening faster, too. I was afraid of what this newborn phase would be like… I guess part of me is relieved it's going to end, soon. Still, it does bother me a little. All these ways I'm so different from the norm; it makes me feel… Defective."

"You are _not_ 'defective', Bella," Alice responded immediately. "You're just different, but, we're all different from most of our kind. We keep a stable home and we live among humans without ever feeding on them. Being different makes you fit right in, in this family." That made me laugh. I couldn't help it. Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie all laughed softly, too. That drew my attention to Rosalie… And the time. It was twilight.

"Are you ready to go to Port Angeles, Rosalie?" I asked her, indicating the silvery sky overhead.

"I need to change clothes," she said. "Emmett and I just got back form hunting, too." Not one thread of Rosalie's clothes appeared out of place, where I was wearing what was left of my blouse as a scarf, but I took it as habit. I just dusted off the camisole and jeans I was wearing.

"Jacket," Esme warned. "It's cold out, tonight, as far as any humans are concerned."

"Try the white corduroy blazer," Alice recommended. I wasn't going to let her play Bella-Barbie tonight, though.

"I was going to go with the black leather bomber jacket," I said as I turned to go inside. "Something with a little more edge." I picked up my speed and ran before Alice could argue, darting upstairs and grabbing the short jacket. Rosalie was ready less than two minutes later. I met her in the garage and I was glad to see she wasn't overly dressed, either. She still looked stunning in curve-hugging jeans and a fitted red sweater with a deep v-neck and a black leather belt cinched around her waist. She was also wearing strappy stilettos with a very high heel, but her jeans were long enough to mostly cover them. She was definitely dressed down, compared to her usual. Rosalie gestured toward her convertible and I leapt lightly into the passenger seat. She slid in smoothly behind the wheel.

"So… Have you thought of anything specific we can do?" She asked tentatively as she drove out of the garage.

"Not really," I said. "Maybe we can see a movie, or…" I couldn't believe I was saying the word: "Shop?" Rosalie laughed knowingly.

"Of course, the latter would be a last resort," She laughed.

"Only if we're desperate," I agreed.

Rosalie didn't drive quite as fast as Edward, Jasper, and Alice did, but she by no means drove slowly. We still tore down the streets at well over the speed limit. It only took us about seventeen minutes to get to Port Angeles. Darkness was just beginning to fall when we parked on the side of a fairly secluded street. I noticed we were just a few blocks away from the Italian restaurant Edward once took me to, so I started walking in that direction, just to get moving. Rosalie followed along at my side, but, as if I was borrowing Jasper's gift, I could tell she was feeling awkward in the situation.

"That jacket was a good choice," she murmured, trying to make small talk. "It looks good on you. It suits you more than that white blazer Alice recommended. I saw it the day she bought it for you."

"Thanks. I like your sweater," I replied painfully awkwardly. "I've never seen that one, before."

"Actually, you have," Rosalie said. "I wore it for your eighteenth birthday party, but it's understandable that you don't remember…"

"Oh." Absolutely pathetic response, but it was all I could manage. Mercifully, a new conversation idea came to me quickly:

"So, should I be prepared for a surprise attack from Emmett, anytime soon?" I asked. Rosalie laughed freely and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I don't know," she said. "Maybe. You know he doesn't take losing well."

"He won the arm-wrestling match," I said.

"He wasn't _expecting_ to win that," Rosalie argued. "None of us expected you to win a real fight."

"But I didn't win," I countered. "Not really. He took off after Jasper before we really finished."

"I think that was a deliberate play, on Jasper's part," Rosalie said thoughtfully. "I got the feeling he was trying to spare you Emmett's retaliation for your little stunt. Emmett can be very creative when he's seeking revenge, though. You probably should stay on your toes, for a while."

"Jasper and Alice will protect me," I said.

"As will I," Rosalie promised. "Don't worry. It's certainly been entertaining seeing Emmett bested by his once-fragile little sister." Rosalie laughed lightly at the thought and I smiled back at her. I was finally doing something that pleased her.

"What the?" I heard a man's voice exclaim. "Is that…? Isn't that the girl from that night?"

"Fuck," another man cursed. "I think it is!"

"Damn, she's even hotter than before," a third man laughed.

"And check out that sweet piece of ass with her! _Ouch_!" A fourth man groaned. At this point, Rosalie and I were both scanning the darkness for the owners of the voices. I already had a bad feeling about what we would see, and Rosalie seemed to sense it, too. She moved a little closer to me and I felt the back of her hand brush against the back of mine, silently assuring me that I wasn't alone, this time…

And there they were, lounging in an alley beside a vacant old bar with boarded up windows. The same four men from my muddy human memories, here in high-definition. Leave it to me to run into them again. "It's _them_," I whispered to Rosalie, barely moving my lips.

"All four of them?" Rosalie whispered back, "From that night you came down here with Jessica Stanley and Angela Webber?"

"Yes," I murmured even softer. Rosalie and I hadn't stopped walking, and we were almost in earshot of the human men. "I'm sure of it." That was when a light breeze sent their scents toward us… And I refused to even let my mind register them. These men were not innocent humans, but they weren't food. They were just despicable. Even if I was unable to restrain myself from killing them, tonight, their blood would not pollute my body.

The wolf-whistles broke out, then. Rosalie and I both growled too softly for them to hear. Rosalie had been in a very similar position before, and her attackers died at her hands. I was a newborn, and these men were not only revolting, but they had the audacity to remind me of Edward… To remind me that he wasn't around to come to my rescue, anymore. They picked the wrong women to screw with, tonight.

"Hey, babe, where's your boyfriend?" The tallest man in the group called out to me. I vaguely recognized him, but my eyes were locked on the heaviest man in the bunch. It was at that moment that he had the nerve to speak to me:

"Not gonna try to run us over, again, is he, sugar? What was up with that, anyway? He the jealous type?" I felt a fire inside me that had nothing to do with thirst. I saw red and I wanted nothing more than to rip this man and his friends apart. I craved the feeling of their bones cracking under my hands. I tensed to spring… And then I realized what revolting things I was thinking of doing. I was aware of Rosalie tensed beside me. To intervene or help me attack, it was difficult to tell. She had killed her attackers, after her change… Did that make it okay for me to do the same?

"I thought I would be exempt from the … Depression… That accompanies a conscience," A memory of an old conversation with Edward suddenly erupted from my muddy memories and filled my mind. "Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl… If I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible." Memory-Edward's voice was remarkably clear. Clear and absolutely beautiful, as it should be. "But, as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life, no matter how justified…"

Edward was right. As much as I felt these men deserved a slow and painful death… I couldn't be the bringer of such a death. I _could_… But I wouldn't. If I killed these men, here in this deserted street, no one but Rosalie would witness it. No one but her and the rest of my family would ever know… But _I _would know. A part of me would always regret murdering these foul men before me, and they did not deserve my eternal remorse. I had to hope they would, one day, get what was coming to them… But that day was not today. I would not kill them, tonight, nor would I allow Rosalie to kill them for me.

"Don't, Rose," I whispered to her. I straightened out of my half-crouch, and Rosalie quickly did the same, though her confusion at my behavior was evident on her face. "They aren't worth it," I murmured softly. Rosalie stared at me for a brief moment, and then she smiled knowingly... Proudly.

"Hey, who's your friend, sugar?" The portly man called out to me again. Rosalie and I had stopped moving, so he and his friends started walking toward us. Big mistake.

"My _girl_friend," I replied, unleashing the full force of my velvety vampire voice. I took one of Rosalie's hands in mine and looked up at the bulky man from under my eyelashes, trying to dazzle him. It worked. Rosalie shot a smoldering glance at the other men and all four of them stopped dead in their tracks. Rosalie and I both let up for a moment, letting them recover, and they all whistled and laughed, again. Typical horny male reaction to a girl-on-girl allusion. Oh, well. Their fantasies about us would quickly turn into nightmares. I looked behind them and saw a shiny red sports car that resembled Rosalie's.

"Is that yours?" I asked them in honeyed tones. I pointed to the car and they all nodded eagerly.

"It's mine," the tallest man answered me. Perfect.

"That's ours," I purred, gesturing back in the direction of Rosalie's convertible.

"Great minds think alike, huh?" The heavy man said suggestively. Oh, was he in for a surprise. I smiled and stepped around them, slinking toward their car. Rosalie followed, still holding my hand, playing along. The stupid men shadowed us like lost puppies.

"I don't know," I purred as I ran my free hand lightly over the leather seats inside the car. "What are you guys thinking about, now?" Four different heartbeats were pounding like drums behind me. They were all about to skip a beat.

"Oh, we'd better not answer that, unless you like dirty talk, babe," One of the men said huskily. Stupid, stupid human.

"I'm more of an 'actions speak louder than words' kind of girl," I said silkily. I let go of Rosalie's hand and murmured a quiet aside to her: "Get ready to stop them," I warned her. "Pull the boards off one of those windows and we'll toss them inside, before we leave." Rosalie nodded infinitesimally, a faint smile coming to her lips. "For instance," I continued to address the four men behind us, "instead of just telling you what I could do to you… I can show you."

With no more warning than that, I reached under their car and lifted it clean off the ground. I held it over my head and turned to face them directly. They were frozen like a herd of deer in the headlights. I flashed them my most innocent smile. "This won't be a problem, will it?" I asked, and then I tossed their car across the street. It landed upside-down, screeching to a halt as it hit a pile of brush on the side of the road. One more beat of stunned silence, and then the men collected themselves enough to scream.

Rose and I both pounced before they could even begin to run. We grabbed one of them in each of our hands and effortlessly hauled them over to the rundown bar, careful not to hurt them too badly. Rose kicked in one of the windows and tossed her two captives in. Mine followed close behind the first two. All four men were still screaming, but there was no one around to hear them. I used some old nails on the ground to pound the boards back over the window with my fist while the men watched in horror.

"Aren't you glad we didn't do that to _you_?" I purred through the spaces between the boards.

"You might want to save your voices until morning, boys," Rosalie said silkily. "No one is going to hear you, tonight."

"And even when some one finds you, no one is going to believe you," I added coolly, letting my sweet pretense fall. I turned and walked away, then.

"Pleasant dreams, perverts," Rosalie hissed in farewell, and she quickly caught up with me. The men continued to scream, despite our advice, but I didn't really care, nor did Rose. We both climbed casually back into her car and she drove off. For a minute, we just enjoyed the feeling of the wind in our hair as we tore down the street. Then, we started laughing victoriously.


	7. Something Wicked the Way Comes

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 7: Something Wicked this Way Comes**

**A/N: This chapter is a short one with a BIG twist. Theme song for the chapter: "Storm" by Lifehouse.**

_To my love,_

_I'm glad you and Rosalie had a chance to bond. I'm sorry to say, you will need that new level of support. You should see the wolves, again, soon, and I'm afraid the news they bring will not be good. Whatever happens, stay strong, my Bella. You have a family around you that loves you dearly, and I will always be with you, too. Know that and be brave._

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

_P.S. I love you._

Edward's latest letter was not on my bed, as usual, but waiting in the garage, when Rosalie and I returned home. She read it over my shoulder, when she saw that I would allow it.

"How could he know that?" I asked her.

"I have no idea," She responded thoughtfully. "We can ask Alice."

"Ask me what?" Alice was suddenly right behind us. I handed her the letter. She frowned.

"How _did_ he know that?" She repeated my question.

"It's true?" Rose and I both asked in surprise. Alice nodded.

"I can't see," she said. "I was waiting for you two to get back… I was worried. I was scanning through all of our futures and we _all_ disappeared." I couldn't help but laugh at the disgruntled expression on Alice's face. She really hated it when the wolves clouded her visions.

"When?" Rosalie asked.

"That's why I was so worried," Alice grumbled. "Everything goes blank in just a matter of hours."

"That made you more worried about _us_?" I inquired, confused.

"As far as I know, people only disappear from my visions when they interact with wolves or when they die, Bella," Alice sighed exasperatedly. "If you two weren't back in time to interact with the wolves…"

"Oh," I said, understanding. "Sorry, Alice. I had to stop for another quick hunt. Rose and I… Ran into a few humans."

"I know," Alice chirped, her mood brightening a little. "I _did_ see that." Alice burst into a fit of giggles, then, and Rosalie laughed with her.

"Entertaining, was it?" Rose asked smugly.

"Immensely," Alice laughed. "Everyone else thinks so, too. Of course, they didn't get the _visual_. Carlisle and Esme might feign disapproval, when you two get inside, but they're really proud of you, Bella. Jasper is, too."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Thankfully, Emmett chose that moment to appear.

"Glad to hear you had some fun, Rosie," He immediately turned to Rose with a huge grin on his face. "Things are probably gonna get real interesting, soon. Jasper's going to have his hands full, keeping all the wolves sedated. Billy Black called a few minutes ago. The alpha, Sam, and Jacob are already back. They're rounding up the rest of the pack, now, checking up on everyone…" Emmett kept talking, but my mind was instantly elsewhere… Jacob.

"I'm in love with you, Bella. Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him." Jacob's voice lurched out of my foggy human memories and filled my mind. Several muddy memories of him blurred together, but they entwined in a way that made perfect sense: "You love me, too. Not the same way, I know. But he's not your whole life… Not anymore… You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me…" I knew those sound blips were out of out of order and out of context, so I tried to fill in the gaps, grasping at all my vague memories of Jacob. I only needed to find one: "Until your heart stops beating, Bella, I'll be here…"

Until my heart stops beating.

"Bella?" Jasper's voice jolted me out of my reverie. I felt his calming influence before my eyes found his face: The two scars just above his eye were even more noticeable, as his brow was furrowed with concern. He was standing just behind Alice, but he was quick to take a few steps forward when the torrent of emotions I was surely sending out didn't relent. He took my hands and focused his soothing power on me, patiently holding my gaze until I spoke, first:

"I haven't seen Jacob since the fight with the newborns," I murmured. "Since I was human…"

"He's your best friend, Bella," Alice offered reassuringly. "I can't see him, but I'm sure he won't hold your change against you."

"I kissed him," I admitted, my body quivering as I tried to restrain the dry sobs poised to spring from my chest. "He kissed me, again, right before the fight with the newborns… And I kissed him back." Jasper's grip on my hands tightened momentarily, but I didn't bother trying to make sense of it. "I kissed him and I told him I loved him… Not as much as Edward, but… Edward died just hours later, and I…" My own battle against the searing pain in my chest was lost, then, and dry sobs wracked my entire body. Still, between my sobs, I went on, my voice shooting up into a new octave: "Edward told me he understood, but nothing can excuse what I did! I told him I loved someone else right before he died to protect me!"

"Bella, don't do this to yourself," Alice cut off my hysterics. "Edward understood, just as we all do. I, honestly, think you were the _last_ person to figure out that you loved Jacob. He insisted on it, from the start, and we all saw it, too. We also saw how much _more_ you loved Edward, so we never brought it up. It's okay, Bella…" Even as Alice's words did offer me a little comfort, a break in Jasper's calming influence distracted me: Where our hands still touched, a string of emotions I couldn't make sense of broke through the current of calm washing over me: Jealously followed by guilt, love followed by denial, and passion quickly followed by confusion. I looked up to meet Jasper's surprisingly ambivalent gaze and he quickly dropped my hands.

"There's fear in you I can't quite understand, Bella," he said in a jarringly detached tone of voice. "Are you afraid because you still have feelings for Jacob?"

"I'm not really sure how I feel about Jacob, actually," I found myself whispering in response to Jasper's abrupt shift in attitude: "That's not what I was thinking about… That whole time he was trying to win me away from Edward, the driving force behind it all was that he wanted me to stay human. He was always so… Repulsed… By the idea of me becoming a vampire. I guess I'm afraid…"

"That Jacob won't still love you?" Jasper pressed.

"No," I almost growled. Jasper's strange behavior could only be described as hostile, and my instincts were screaming at me to fight back.

"Then, what?" Jasper demanded.

"Jasper," Emmett cautioned, but too late… I snapped:

"I don't know, Jasper!" I growled in fury beyond my control. "I don't know, okay! I haven't the _slightest _idea what the hell is wrong with you, but leave me the hell out of it!" At this point, Jasper was tensed to counter my spring, but, even in my sudden rage, I wasn't that stupid. I leapt over Alice, expecting no opposition from her, and ran out of the garage before Jasper or Emmett could try to stop me.

"Bella!" Alice called after me, but I could hear no one pursuing me. Still, I ran even harder. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, desperate to find a haven where I could have just one moment of peace.

I ended up in Edward's meadow.

"Tell me what you're thinking. It's still so strange for me, not knowing." Edward's voice emerged from my human memories, again, and I could almost feel him beside me. Though I knew his voice was coming from a memory long since passed, I replied in earnest:

"I'm thinking of Jacob… I'm afraid to see him, again."

"I don't want you to be afraid."

"I know you don't, but… What _do _you want? What do you want me to do? It wasn't supposed to be like this. Victoria's still out there, somewhere. Our family and the wolves are determined to catch her, but I'm so afraid that someone else will get hurt… What if it's Jacob? Or Alice? Or…" I meant to say Jasper's name, but I choked on the word. I had a million more questions for Edward, but there was only one that really mattered: "Why did you leave me?" I whispered to the empty meadow. "You promised you would never leave me, again."

"I am so very sorry," Edward from my memories whispered in reply. I could almost smell his sweet breath on my face, again. I could almost feel his cool hand in mine. His angelic voice was a tender caress against my ears… And then it was gone.

"Bella?" Though Jacob's voice was soft, behind me, it was thunderous in contrast to the whispers of the past. I was on my feet in a flash, and I whipped around to see an incredible sight: Jacob's russet skin seemed to give of a subtle glow from within. Though he stood several feet away, I could sense the excess of heat radiating from him. He stood before me clad in nothing more than an old pair of denim cut-offs, and he blended in perfectly with the surrounding forest. He was in his element, as my new eyes could plainly see… That was when the smell hit:

A light breeze blew through the meadow and it was saturated with the scent of burnt rubber and truck exhaust. The highly concentrated scent alerted me to the fact that Jacob was not alone, and there was something about the scent that registered as… Threatening. I instinctively tensed to defend myself. A menacing growl came from somewhere behind Jacob and I growled in reply, sinking into a crouch.

"Whoa, Bella, take it easy!" Jacob pleaded in alarm. I heard movement behind him and I was about to loose another warning growl, but Jacob beat me to it: "Paul, if you attack her, I swear I'll phase and bite your ears off!" Paul. The most temperamental wolf in the pack. Of course he was growling at me. As my mind caught up with my body, allowing reason to overrule instinct, I was able to regain my composure and straighten out of my fighting stance.

"Sorry," I mumbled, still ill-at-ease as my senses screamed at me to either fight or flee from the threatening creatures slowly emerging from the surrounding trees. "Instinct." Within moments, there were a dozen horse-sized wolves standing before me. None of them mattered, though, when Jacob's friendly smile lit up the entire meadow. My own personal sun was back.

"Trust me, Bella, we understand," he chuckled. "That's why we're all here, actually. We were headed for the lee… Your house… To touch base with your… Family… You know…" As Jacob spoke to me, his smile gradually went from natural and easy to forced and lackluster. With every word he carefully bit back, another cloud smothered my beautiful sun. "Anyway, we came across your scent, and we didn't recognize it, and it was obviously a vampire, so…"

"You were hunting me?" I asked, hurt by Jacob's unease with me. Of course, my behavior wasn't much better.

"No!" Jacob was, to my relief, instantly contrite. "We assumed it was you, but we couldn't know for sure. Besides, you know how the treaty works, on our end: We don't attack a vampire in this territory unless they bite someone. We weren't going to attack you!"

"Paul was," I reminded him, nodding in the direction of the larger gray wolf I recognized as Paul.

"Paul was just being Paul," Jacob grumbled, sending the gray wolf a quick glare before looking back at me. "You know that."

"Yeah, I guess I do," I murmured sadly as all my muddy memories of Paul swam through my mind. "Everything that happened when I was human is kind of cloudy, now, but it's still there…" A minute of poignant silence followed my words, as they sank in. Then, Jacob took a few steps closer to me and spoke, again:

"Who were you talking to, Bella?" He asked me softly. "There's no other scent, here…?"

"I was talking to Edward," I admitted quietly. "Pretending to, at least… This was kind of 'our place'."

"Yeah, I remember," replied somewhat sourly. "This isn't the first time we've found you here."

"I remember." I murmured. "I know this is, technically, the place where Laurent almost killed me, but… It's Edward's place, too." A soft whimper brought my attention away from Jacob, then, and I turned to look at the sand-colored wolf to my left: Seth.

"He thinks it's his fault," Jacob explained, following my gaze. "Because he left you and Edward with Victoria, to chase that newborn. He never stops kicking himself over that… It's painful." I glanced up at Jacob in time to see him wince at something he clearly heard in the pack mind. I turned back to Seth and took a tentative step toward him. Leah growled, once, but no one made an immediate move to stop me, so I closed the distance between myself and the young wolf, reaching up to gently stroke his scorching fur with my icy hand.

"Please don't blame yourself, Seth," I whispered, my voice going ever-so-slightly hoarse with emotion. "What happened was no one's fault but Victoria's. I know that's difficult to accept… Every day, I try to think of something I could have done, but, the truth is, Victoria was ready for all of it. She planned it all so well…"

"But I _shouldn't_ have left," Jacob said, coming up behind me, and I realized he was speaking for Seth, from the pack mind. I shook my head vehemently and tugged Seth's big head down a little, so I could look him straight in the eye as I spoke to him:

"Seth, listen to me. Right after you and that newborn, Riley, ran off, a tree fell on me and made me bleed. Victoria was able to keep control of herself, but Riley would have lost it. If you hadn't chased him off, we all might have died. _You did the right thing, Seth_. You did what you had to do. What happened to Edward… And me… That is _not_ your fault. Understand?" Seth let out another soft whimper and Jacob translated:

"I guess… What's up with your eyes?" I blinked at the abrupt change in subject and laughed, despite myself. That was so… Seth.

"I noticed that, too," Jacob said, speaking for himself, this time. "I was expecting the bright red eyes all those other newborns had, but your eyes are almost gold, Bella." Jacob reached up, then, and brushed my hair back from my face, to better see my eyes, and I almost jumped at the feeling. Like Seth's fur, Jacob's hand was shockingly hot where it lightly grazed my cheek. My instincts told me to flinch away from the heat, but my heart simultaneously told me to move toward it. I settled for holding perfectly still.

"It's complicated," I almost whimpered. I paused to recompose myself before continuing in a normal speaking voice: "I didn't hunt for an entire week, and you'll be glad to hear I haven't attacked a human. The 'vegetarian' diet is, actually, much easier for me to stick to than we anticipated. It might be my gift, of sorts… Carlisle can give you a better explanation."

"Right," Jacob sighed, suddenly looking unnervingly weary and withered. "We need to go talk to Dr. Fang. We came back here for a reason…"

"Did something happen with Victoria?" I asked, my voice barely more than a whisper as I forced it around the knot that abruptly formed in my chest.

"Actually, it involves the one who trained us for the fight the newborns," Jacob said grimly.

"Jasper?" I scarcely managed to gasp as the knot in my chest tightened still more around my silent heart. Jacob nodded.

"We don't know much. We just heard Victoria talking to her, and Jasper's name came up a few times."

"Her?" I whispered.

"Victoria made a new friend," Jacob nearly growled. "Apparently, her name is Maria."


	8. Haunted

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 8: Haunted**

**A/N: Theme song for this chapter: "Ugly Side" by Blue October. Enjoy! :)**

You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. The wolves stood in a semicircle facing the house while all the vampires apart from myself stood along the front porch, watching the large wolf pack warily. Jacob was the only one of the wolves in human form, and I stood beside him, between the two groups.

"All we know is that Maria changed Jasper," Jacob was explaining to my vampire family. "That's all Bella would tell us. She said we needed to come talk to the rest of you, to find out more."

"A wise move on her part," Carlisle sighed grimly. "Even if none of you would intentionally harm her… Jasper's story will probably not sit well with all of you… It would have been dangerous for Bella to be alone with you, during the telling."

"More importantly, it's not my story to tell," I interjected. "I wasn't worried about the wolves hurting me, or anything like that… Jasper, I thought you might prefer to tell them, yourself. Like you told me…?" One reason for the abnormal amount of tension in the air: Not only was Jasper not calming everyone, but he was very likely radiating extra tension, himself. His hands were balled into fists at his sides, and his brow was furrowed in confusion and anger. Still, when he looked back at me, I could see a trace of gratitude in his eyes.

"Thank you, Bella," He replied softly to me. Then, with a resigned sigh that didn't match his guarded expression, he turned to face Jacob and the rest of the wolves. "I was a soldier in the Confederate Army, during the Civil War, when I first met Maria. That was my last day as a human…" With that, Jasper went through his whole story, again: Maria, the newborn wars, the eventual intervention of the Volturi, and the countless human and vampire lives lost, several of them at his own hands. As Carlisle anticipated, the wolves were infuriated by the story. Jacob was vibrating beside me by the time Jasper finished his story. Jasper was quick to respond though, shooting wave after wave of calm toward the pack, to dilute any hostility.

"You'll never know how truly sorry I am for all the human life I took," he said softly to the wolves, once he'd calmed them enough to stop their growling. "I will always be haunted by my past sins, but, when you get right down to it, Maria was the instigator. If she is somehow helping Victoria, now…"

"We're screwed," Jacob mumbled distractedly. I looked up at him, surprised to hear him say that. He blinked and let out a wry half-laugh. "Sorry, that wasn't me," he explained. "Leah said that. I was listening to Sam and I accidentally repeated Leah's comment, aloud." Oh. He was listening to the pack mind, again… Wait a minute.

"I thought you could only hear the pack mind in wolf form," I said. "That's the second time you've translated for one of the wolves, while in human form, yourself. Back in the meadow, I just didn't think about it, but… What am I missing?" That drew a genuine chuckle from Jacob.

"Not much, Bella. It's still new to us, too," he explained. "We couldn't do it, before, but we can now. For some reason, several things like that have changed, since the fight with the newborns: We can communicate with each other over longer distances, we can hear the pack mind in human form… Well, sort of. We can't hear each other's thoughts if we're _all _in human form, like Edward could. We can only hear the thoughts of pack members in wolf form, but we don't have to be in wolf form to hear them… Please tell me you understood that?" Jacob pleaded, rolling his eyes at his own roundabout explanation.

"I think so," I said distractedly. I was paying attention to Jacob's explanation, but part of my focus was trained on Jasper. He was watching Jacob expectantly and it was clear that his patience was wearing thin. I knew what he was waiting for: "Jacob, you said you overheard Maria and Victoria talking?" I prompted. "What were they talking about? What brought you back here?" The faint smile on Jacob's face crumpled completely, but he answered in earnest:

"Victoria was complaining to Maria that her newborn army lost to 'a coven of seven and their mutts'," he began. "She told Maria how she killed Edward, herself, and changed his 'pet human', but… That's where it got a little confusing." It was painful to hear what happened put into Victoria's words, but my curiosity was piqued.

"What do you mean?" I prodded. "Go on."

"Maria started asking her a lot of technical questions," Jacob continued. "How many newborns made it to the fight? Were any of them gifted? How many wolves were there? And then Maria started asking questions about all of you. Her exact words were 'tell me more about this Cullen coven'."

"It sounds like Maria gave Victoria the idea to create a newborn army, in the first place," Jasper commented quietly. "Victoria must have briefly mentioned us to her, at that time, without going into detail… What did Victoria tell her, then?"

"Your names and gifts, mainly," Jacob answered promptly. "She mentioned Edward's mind reading, Alice's visions… And that's when your name came up."

"And, of course, Maria knew it was me," Jasper growled almost inaudibly.

"Yeah, I guess so," Jacob murmured thoughtfully. "Her reaction does make more sense, now, knowing your relationship to her…" Jacob fell silent when Jasper growled, again. This time, the sound was more pronounced. When Jasper looked up at Jacob, though, his expression was apologetic.

"Sorry," he spoke softly even as his hands balled into fists. "Sore subject. I'll try to behave myself. Please, go on."

"Yeah, so Maria suddenly went all third degree on Victoria," Jacob continued slowly, watching Jasper warily. "She fired off a whole new laundry list of questions: Is Jasper really off humans, too? How close is he to the human you changed? Does he have a mate? In the entire coven, who is mated to whom? What's so special about this human of theirs…?"

"And Victoria answered all these questions?" Jasper demanded. "Correctly?"

"Yes, as far as we know." Jacob answered calmly, apparently choosing to disregard Jasper's less-than-civil mood. "Maria really started going off after that last one, though. The one about Bella. Victoria told Maria how Edward could never read Bella's mind and, I swear, I thought Maria was going to attack her. She growled something like 'you could've mentioned all this sooner', and then she got really quiet for a minute. We only heard her say one thing, after that…" To my surprise, Jacob suddenly looked sick. He looked down at me in horror and Jasper visibly tensed.

"What is it, Jacob?" He demanded in a tight voice. "What did Maria say? What's wrong?"

"She wants Bella," Jacob whispered.

"WHAT?" Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie all growled the word in unison. Several of the wolves growled, too. Growls of surprise or warning, it was difficult to tell. Either way, no one moved. I, especially, was too stunned to move an inch. As it was, I barely managed speech:

"W-what do you mean?" I stammered, almost sounding human, again. "What… What were her _exact_ words, Jacob?" Still gazing down at me in horrified realization, Jacob swallowed hard and quoted with visible effort:

"Victoria, your mate was a fool for trying to kill this girl, and you're an even bigger fool for blindly changing her. This girl, Bella, could have a very powerful gift, and yet you left her. She was there for the taking, right in your grasp, and you left her in the hands of your enemies… With Jasper… They're sure to come after you, and you stand no chance of defeating them all, alone. I and the rest of my coven can help you defeat them, but on one condition: I want that newborn. Waive your claim to her, as her creator, and I'll help you."

No one growled. No one moved. As far as I could tell, no one was breathing. Jacob swallowed hard and spoke, again:

"When she said that, we knew she was going to help Victoria, obviously… We just…" Jacob looked up at Jasper and, in the same moment, he was vibrating again. "No!" He growled defiantly. "No! No way in _hell_ is this bitch getting Bella! No way is she being put through that!"

"Jacob, get a hold of yourself!" Jasper's voice boomed throughout the clearing, his tone demanding compliance. A few of the wolves instinctively growled back, but Jacob fell silent, as ordered. "Jacob," Jasper spoke again, his calm voice thick with authority. "It is very important that you try to remember this: Did Maria, at any point, mention the current size of her coven?"

"Not that I heard," Jacob responded. Not a second later, though, Seth let out a low whimper. "Wait," Jacob said to Jasper, turning to look at Seth for a moment. Seth looked at me and whimpered, again. Jacob translated, turning back to Jasper: "I guess Seth fell behind a little, when we left Maria and Victoria. He heard Maria mention a few names… And gifts: Allegra is telekinetic, Michael can erase and restore memory, Willow can make herself invisible, and Gabriel is…"

"A tracker," Jasper finished Jacob's explanation. Jacob gave him a quizzical look.

"Gabriel is one of the newborns I trained," Jasper said pensively. "He was just about to reach the end of his newborn year when I left. Apparently, Maria let him live… If he's remained with her all these years, he must be her mate… And Maria's new coven consists of only highly gifted vampires, from the sound of it… And there are probably others…" For a long moment after that, Jasper fell silent, deep in thought. Then, quite abruptly, he took of running. We all watched him go, confused and concerned. Alice was the next to speak:

"Go, Bella." She said simply. I started to argue, but she cut me off: "He doesn't need me," she said. "He needs you… You need each other, now. Trust me, Bella. I've seen it. Go with him." I nodded and, without glancing back at the wolves, I took off after Jasper.

I followed Jasper's comforting scent all the way past Edward's meadow and beyond the baseball clearing. When I caught up with him, he was sitting in the mouth of a small cave I'd never seen, before. The river flowed by, a few feet away, and a gentle breeze was making the towering trees around us rustle in tune with the flowing water. It struck me that this was, to Jasper, what the meadow was to Edward. This was Jasper's place. I fleetingly wondered if each member of the family had a place of their own, like this. My wondering ceased, though, when Jasper looked up at and met my gaze, directly.

"You don't need to be afraid, Bella." He said softly. "It may be difficult, but we won't let Maria get to you. You won't experience what I have. I won't let that happen. None of us will."

"I'm not afraid."

"Empath, Bella," Jasper countered.

"I'm not afraid for myself," I clarified. "I'm afraid of what this will do to you. I'm sorry all this is coming back to you, because of me, Jasper… And I'm sorry for what happened in the garage, earlier. I shouldn't have said those things to you. You don't deserve it. I just…"

"Don't, Bella." Jasper interrupted. "My behavior was no better than yours. We both said things we didn't mean. Let's leave it at that."

"Okay," I agreed. Unsure of what to say next, I walked over to where Jasper was still seated and sat on the ground beside him. I remained silent until he spoke, again:

"Gabriel won't be able to track you," Jasper said, after a moment. "His gift is mental, somewhat like Demetri's. I can't be sure of the others, though…"

"That's what I don't understand," I said. "About what Maria said to Victoria, I mean. We all kind of figured out why certain gifts don't work on me, but… Maria thinks that's my gift? From what I can tell, it seems like all gifted vampires are more aware of their gifts. I mean… They know when they're using them, and they can stop, if they choose to… I can't do that."

"Well, it's a learned skill, Bella," Jasper explained earnestly. "As is projection. If Maria's right, and she usually is about these things… Your immunity to gifts might be your gift."

"Aro said something like that, too," I recalled aloud. "In Volterra."

"The Volturi, that's it! Renata!" Jasper exclaimed suddenly. He must have felt my confusion, because he immediately turned to me to explain:

"Renata is a member of the Volturi guard, Bella," he began. "You may have noticed her, when you were there. She would've been standing very close to Aro, Marcus, and Caius. Touching them, even." The female vampires standing with the three elders. I did remember them. I nodded and Jasper continued on with his explanation: "Renata's job is to shield the three elders from physical attack. She can't project far. That's why she closely orients herself to the elders, especially Aro. Her gift is highly effective, though: If anyone comes within the protective bubble of her gift, they will be inexplicably compelled to change direction. Don't you see Bella? That's probably why Aro was so immediately taken with you. He saw, in you, the counterpart to Renata. She's a physical shield and you're…"

"A mental shield." I finished the thought, understanding. "A shield against gifts… Most gifts, anyway." Jasper nodded and my heart abruptly sank. Probably not the typical reaction to finding out you have a supernatural power, but… "That's why Maria wants me," I said somberly. Jasper sent waves of calm my way, but nodded gravely.

"It sounds like she's trying to build a different kind of army, now," he said. "No longer collecting newborns in mass, she's collecting gifted vampires; quality over quantity."

"And what do you think she'll do with such an army?" I prodded. Jasper shook his head infinitesimally.

"I shudder to think," he murmured softly, and shudder he did. A barely detectable shudder ran through his scarred body, and all the pain of his past was suddenly visible in his nearly black eyes. I marveled at how well he held is pain in. He was projecting none of it to me, trying to spare me from the hurt. Still, I didn't want him to endure it, alone. I scooted closer to him and rested my head lightly on his shoulder.

"It's okay to let it slip, Jasper. You don't have to hold it in. It's okay."

"No, Bella." Jasper argued almost inaudibly.

"Fine," I quickly countered. "If you won't let your feelings out, let mine in." I said and I immediately pulled every happy memory I had in me to the surface: All those times with Edward, laughing with Jacob and the other wolves, beating Emmett at arm wrestling… Jasper began to relax, beside me. It was clear that he was completely open to me… So, I pulled one more memory, just for fun. Jasper nearly fell over, but he quickly composed himself enough to look down at me incredulously.

"What was _that_ about?" He half-growled. I smiled mischievously and Jasper's dark eyes narrowed slightly.

"Remember when we were in that hotel, in Phoenix?" I said. "When you knocked me out with all that lethargy you threw at me? Since vampires don't sleep, that's the closest I could come to payback." Jasper's eyes narrowed even more and his haunted gaze was replaced with a playful glare, as was my hope.

"Remember that stunt you pulled in the airport?" He countered. I leapt back from him, instantly seeing where this was going. His impish, smug smile put mine to shame. "Five second head start," he offered, "though it won't do you much good." I took of running with no further prompt. "Five," I heard him call out after me, "four, three, two…". I was out of earshot, by the time he reached "one".

As if that was going to save me.


	9. The Fish and the Eagle

**P.S. I Love You**

**Chapter 9: The Fish and the Eagle**

**A/N: Very short, I know. More to come soon.  
**

"I don't know how I can practice using my shield with no one to use it against," I grumbled to Jasper, Jacob, Seth, and Alice. Leah was still in her wolf form, nearby, but most of the wolves had changed to their human forms. Sam was sitting surprisingly close to Carlisle, deep in conversation. Paul, Jared, Quil, and Embry were talking to Emmett and Rosalie. Esme was wandering from group to group, offering food and beverage to the wolves, most of which they accepted.

"I can try to teach you the feel of it, but a target would be preferable," Jasper agreed. "When I trained gifted newborns, before, their gifts were much easier to test…"

"Willow's gift is probably mental, right?" I asked. "Her invisibility is probably just an illusion. I'll be able to see her. You said Gabriel won't be able to track me. Allegra's telekinesis must be physical, though and Michael…"

"Mental," Alice said confidently. "He erases and restores memory, literally delving into the mind. We'll be safe."

"You mean _I'll _be safe," I corrected. "There's no guarantee I'll be able to protect the rest of you."

"We'll figure it out, Bella," Jasper assured me. "I'll teach you the feel of it, and we'll figure the rest out as we go."

"It would be nice if we could get Kate to come help out," Alice mused, "but I already saw her answer: she won't upset Irina that way. We'll just have to wait until they'll let what happened with Laurent go."

"At least she isn't going completely psycho over it, like Victoria," Seth commented. "We'd have a _real_ mess on our hands, then."

"They know Laurent was doing wrong," Jasper murmured, "even if they don't agree with how it was handled. You don't need to worry. They'll cool off, eventually."

"How do vamps define 'eventually'?" Jacob grumbled.

"Five or six decades, maybe," Alice answered. I gasped in alarm and stared at her.

"It's not the grief that lasts that long, Bella," she quickly explained, "it's the unresolved grudge. We'll destroy Victoria, and that will help you move on much faster. You'll be okay."

"But I don't _feel_ like I have a true grudge against Victoria," I argued. "I hate her, and I want her gone, but it's for different reasons. Having her around scares me, for my sake and all of yours, and I want her gone so we'll be safe again, but I don't feel like I'm obsessed with getting revenge, or anything like that. I miss Edward, and I want her dead, but it's not the same. Killing her isn't just going to make everything okay, again."

"I didn't say that," Alice said gently, her voice full of sympathy. I felt Jasper trying to soothe the both of us. "I said it will _help_ you move on _faster._ Bella, you have to trust me on this. I've seen you becoming happy, again. I've seen you with a better life. It _will_ get better, one step at a time. This will just be one of many steps, but you _will_ get there. I know it."

"Your visions aren't always certain, Alice," I argued bitterly. "Nothing is…". Frustrated and hurting, I decided to go hunt. Taking the hint that I needed space, no one followed, at first. I ran through the woods, sniffing the air for the scent of a good carnivore, but when the wind changed direction, I was suddenly buffeted by an especially foul and familiar smell.

"Jake, please go back," I called to the wolf running up behind me, even as I slowed my pace, allowing him to catch up. I was already feeling guilty for my bout of hostility, but I still didn't want company, at the moment. "I'm hunting. You don't want to watch that, do you? Please go away." Glancing back, I could see him a few yards behind me. He met my gaze and shook his head. I didn't have it in me to argue further. "Fine, but give me a little space. Your smell is overpowering everything else." Jacob barked a laugh, but compliantly fell back about twenty more yards. I could still smell and hear him, but I could focus on other smells, again.

I couldn't find a carnivore, but I took down a few elk. Jake kept a respectful distance through the whole process, but remained close enough that I was constantly aware of his presence. At first, it annoyed me, but then it started to calm me. It was nice having an old friend nearby, one that couldn't care less about my powers or old vampire wars. He was involved in all this because we were friends, simple as that. Any romantic notions he used to harbor for me were surely gone, now that I was a vampire. We were natural enemies, but still best friends. I took comfort in that thought, and I was quickly able to calm down again, after the hunt. I sat and waited for Jake while he phased back to human form and dressed, so we could talk while we headed back. When he reemerged from the trees, we walked back toward the house at human pace.

"You know, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," he mused as we walked. "Watching you hunt, I mean."

"If you thought you would hate it, why did you come?"

"I knew you would want to talk, eventually. You were just being stubborn, as always."

"And you're still full of yourself." That got us both laughing. Even with all the chaos around us, left alone like this, we were still just Jacob and Bella.

"Anyway, it wasn't all that bad," Jake continued. "Actually, it was kind of… Sexy." Yep. Same old Jacob.

"Jake, please don't start that. Not now."

"I thought you wanted me to."

"What makes you think that?"

"I've just seen it in your eyes a few times. At first, you were just sad about Edward, but then there was something else."

"There was _nothing else_, Jacob."

"Yes there was. You're not ready to admit it, though. I can see that. I'm not blind. I can give you a little more time. It's not like we won't have plenty of it."

"You're impossible!" I finally snapped, picking up my pace so Jacob had to jog to keep up. "Why do you have to be so _pushy_? I'm a vampire! You're a werewolf! A shape-shifter! If we couldn't work, before, there's no way we'll work, now!"

"We can if we love each other," Jake countered. "I still love you, and you told me you loved me."

"That was _before_!"

"Before your change?" Jacob snorted. "Bella, the only thing that's changed is your appearance. You're still you. I was worried you might not be, but you are. That _hasn't_ changed, so don't try to tell me your feelings for me have. I know the timing's off, and I'm sorry I brought it up. That was stupid, I get that, but don't try to lie about it. You're only lying to yourself."

"Maybe I _want_ to lie to myself!" I growled, stopping in my tracks and rounding on him, furious. "Maybe I want to forget Edward's gone! Maybe I want to, somehow, convince myself that he's just off hiding somewhere and sending me letters to prove to me that he's going to come back! Maybe I want to believe I'm _not_ still being hunted by Victoria! Maybe I want to pretend Maria doesn't exist! I can't _handle_ all this right now, Jake! It's like you said: I'm still me! I'm still the same person I always was, and this is killing me!"

Jacob was perfectly still, watching me with sad, patient eyes. He stood there for a long moment, waiting. When he could tell I was done screaming, he stepped closer to me, obviously not concerned about me attacking him. He moved closer until he could reach out and take my cold hand in his hot one, holding my gaze the entire time.

"I know," he finally said, his voice as soft and warm as his hand. "That's why I'm here."

"Jake," I sighed, shaking my head feebly.

"Bella, I'll give you all the time you need," Jacob said gently. "I'll just be your friend, for now, but you needed to know that my feelings for you haven't changed. I'll be the shoulder, for now, but I want to be more than that, later. I love you. I _want_ to love you."

"Jacob…" I had to argue. This couldn't end well. It would only hurt us both, all over again. "Do you remember the fish and the eagle?" Jacob blinked and took a step back, confused. After a moment, I saw recollection flash in his brown eyes, and I nodded. "One day, on the beach, we saw an eagle dive down and snatch a fish out of the water. You told me 'you never see the fish trying to kiss the eagle'. Nature's way, you called it. Hunter and prey. You said humans and vampires weren't supposed to be together. How are shifters and vampires any different? How does that rule not apply to the two of us?"

"That rule _never did_ apply, Bella," Jake grumbled obstinately. "You and Edward made it work. I was just being an ass about it, then. It didn't apply to you two, and it doesn't have to apply to us. We go against nature, so what? Normal has never been our style, anyway."

"Well, that's true," I conceded. "Still, Jake, we can't… _I _can't do that, not again. You can only cheat fate so many times before it finally grabs you from behind." Jacob, persistent as always, promptly moved around behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Nothing's going to sneak up on you from behind, Bella. I've got your back. Always."

Tired of arguing, I twisted around in Jacob's arms, so I could wrap my stone arms around him, too. He only tensed for a moment when my cold hands touched his bare back. "And I've got your back, Jake. Even if everything else changes, that never will. We're still friends."

"For now," Jacob promised.

"Forever," I countered. "_Just_ friends."

"You'll change your mind. You did, before."

"Jerk." Jacob just laughed. For a moment, I considered punching him, again… But then I laughed, too.

* * *

That night, I found another letter from Edward on my bed:

_My Darling Bella,_

_I just want you to know that I hold no grudge against Jacob, or any of the other wolves. In fact, I encourage you to maintain those friendships, if you can. They're like family to you, too. I see that, now, even if I was blind to it, before. Any prejudice I used to feel toward them is entirely gone, and it's a good feeling, I must admit. I trust them wholeheartedly with you, just as I trust you to do well by them. Whether you continue to see them as friends, family, or even something more than that, it's your choice, my Bella. Listen to your heart. Even if it no longer beats within you, it's voice can still be heard. Listen to what it tells you, and be happy, dear Bella. Above all, be happy._

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

_P.S. I love you._


End file.
